


Raw

by ChristineBH



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Canon Death, Chaptered, Character Death, F/M, Family, First War with Voldemort, Friendship, Gen, Noncanon Death, Sirius Centered, Tragedy, War, first wizarding war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-03 19:23:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8727232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristineBH/pseuds/ChristineBH
Summary: Sirius had been sure who the traitor was but he realised that maybe he had put his faith in the wrong friend when he hears Remus' distressed patronus intended for only Dumbledore.This is the start of a whole other outcome of The First Wizarding War with noncanon deaths and survivors but most of all it's a story of a young Sirius trying to find the meaning in everything around him as well as keeping the people he loves alive.





	1. Flay

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted on www.fanfiction.net.
> 
> On another note here's the original and super vague summary. It sounds pretty but I realised later on that it told almost nothing about the story.  
>  _One action affects another and one crucial Patronus from one of Sirius' friends changes the course of action for the rest. The first war is a bloody field with innocent flowers of happiness blooming bright and white, but how many flowers can bloom among all the blood? And will one change cause the flowers to stop blooming or stop dying? ___

Sirius was preparing to go home from an order meeting. Everyone had been there. Everyone except his closest friends.

James was in hiding with Lily and Harry and therefore couldn’t attend, and Peter and Remus were simply not present. Dumbledore hadn’t seemed very affected that they weren’t there, so Sirius could only hope that that meant that they were both doing some mission they simply couldn’t be bothered to tell Sirius about. No, he wasn’t bitter about it or at least he hoped that would be true if he told himself it enough times.

Dumbledore was collecting his things when he suddenly stopped. Sirius, who had been looking down at the table, looked up to see why. A silver wolf was flying through the air. A wrinkle found its way between Sirius’ eyebrows at the sight of Remus’ patronus.

It stopped in front of Dumbledore and both Dumbledore and Sirius soon heard Remus’ voice.

“They found out! They lured me into Coille na something in Scotland. They will kill me, professor, they’ll kill me and I don’t know much longer I can run.” Sirius noticed Remus’ deep breaths and he would have been impressed that Remus could cast a patronus while running for his life but there was more pressing matters at that moment. “I’m near the mountain but I’m trying to reach the lake. Dumbledore please…” and then the message ended abruptly. The unspoken “help” lingered in the air.

A voice in the back of Sirius’ head was still reminding him that Remus was the traitor, he had to be, but the worried part of him took control.

“Who is going to kill Remus?”

Dumbledore looked at him way to calmly for Sirius’ liking. “It’s nothing you should worry about.”

Sirius saw red but was unable to say anything. All the words wanted to be said at the same time and blocked each other on their way out.

A few words finally found their way out. “Tell me where he is!” He had half a mind to take his wand out but realised that was a bad idea before the thought had fully developed. He instead told Dumbledore as firmly as he dared, “I’ll bring him back.”

Dumbledore took a deep breath as if Sirius was the one withholding information. Sirius surrendered and opened his mouth to tell Dumbledore to make sure Remus came back safely when Dumbledore decided to speak up.

“He’s in a forest called Coille na Glas Leitre. It’s too far away to apparate. Especially if you haven’t been there before, but I do have a portkey but it’ll only bring you around 3 kilometres from where I think Remus’ current location is.” Sirius knew Dumbledore thought that Remus would most likely be dead before Sirius found him, but he didn’t care.

“Wait,” Sirius exclaimed when Dumbledore’s words suddenly struck him, “aren’t you coming with me?”

Dumbledore shook his head. “No, I will contact help as quickly as possible, and I hope you will do the same.”

Sirius got angry once more.  “And wait till we’re sure he’s dead? No, I would rather die trying to rescue my friends than survive knowing I could have saved them.”

Dumbledore nodded to himself. “I feared you would say that.”

Sirius wanted to go as fast as possible and barely gave Dumbledore time to apparate them to an old, abandoned house where the portkey lied.

The portkey in question was a yellowing plate. It had probably been white once upon a time but now it had a disgusting yellow colour. It looked revolting but Sirius touched it without hesitation. He had been near more disgusting things before and he would touch it a thousand times if that meant he could save one of his friends.

Sirius gave Dumbledore a last look. He thought that the sudden surge of anxiety showed its face obviously to Dumbledore but neither mentioned it, and before he knew it, Sirius felt a pull behind the navel and landed gracelessly on the ground.

Sirius felt disappointed that the plate weren’t with him. He would have to find a way to return home himself. Which would be extremely hard if Remus wouldn’t be in a state to find his own way back to safety.

‘No, don’t think like that,’ He scolded himself, ‘You don’t have time for that.’

Sirius looked around and scolded himself again. This time it was for not asking helplessly which way to go. That was until he looked west and saw a mountain with trees at the bottom in the distance.

Sirius apparated closer to his destination and quickly transformed into his animagus form before he started running. He blamed Dumbledore for not reminding him that a broom would have been a timesaver, but he knew deep within himself that he most likely wouldn’t have listened anyway.

His pads were cut on small, sharp stones but he didn’t slow down. He couldn’t slow down. Not even when one of his paws started to leave almost entire footprints of blood behind did he slow his pace.

Time seemed to slow down as he ran but he finally entered the forest. He stopped for the first time since he transformed that day to look around. Where could Remus be? He was near the mountain when he sent the patronus. Sirius ran a few steps towards the mountain when he remembered how long ago that must have been. It could have been over an hour ago, with how far the patronus had to travel and Sirius’ own traveling time. ‘Towards the lake then’.

He initially ran as fast as he could but soon forced himself into a slower pace in order to better hear or see Remus or any suspicious people in the forest.

Time passed even slower. Every bird, every mammal, every tree that swayed in the wind was enough to make Sirius jump. He kept looking until a part of him gave up when he heard something in the distance.

He ran towards it and at last recognised the sound as laughter. Laughter in itself would have been suspicious so far away from civilization but this sounded more sinister than any other laugh he had ever heard in his young life.

The laughter died down more than a couple of minutes before Sirius reached the destination, but he kept going in the direction of where it had been.

He could feel magic, but surprisingly little. Sirius almost abandoned finding out where the laughter had come from. It sounded had menacing, but he didn’t have time for evil muggles. However, he kept going when he smelt blood, Remus’ blood. He had smelt it too often after the full moons throughout the years to be mistaken.

He came into a clearing and couldn’t see anything out of place. He almost stepped on a big pile of reddish dirt when he heard troubled breathing from it.

Sirius looked around for half a second before he sniffed the pile. It smelt like Remus and it almost choked on its breath when Sirius’ nose touched it.

A hand moved to Sirius’ left. He followed the hand down to a red arm and down to the pile of reddish dirt.

“Please”, the pile begged feebly. Sirius wasn’t entirely sure what it wanted but the voice sent an arrow of ice through Sirius’ heart. It was so weak and troubled but still so familiar.

Sirius changed back into a kneeling human and looked for somewhere to put his hands on the form but everywhere was red. He ended up putting a hand in the hair of the pile despite its pained noises, “Remus, is that you?”

“Sir’us?” He had a hard time getting the words out and he was even harder to understand with his face down on the ground.

“Yes, it’s me. What happened to you? Who did this?”

Remus took a couple of deep breaths but didn’t utter a word. He instead lifted a shaking hand and pointed. Sirius looked but couldn’t see what he was supposed to look at. He stood up and followed where the hand pointed and looked around for a bit. Remus could be excused for not pointing directly at whatever he wanted Sirius to see, because of the fact that his face was pointing to the ground, but it didn’t make the task of finding what he tried to point at easier.

At last, Sirius found another pile. He hesitantly touched it and removed his hand immediately again when he felt skin under his fingers. He cautiously extended his hand again. It was indeed skin, but a few touched revealed that it wasn’t attached to a body anymore.

Sirius stopped moving and turned his head to look at Remus. The only thing moving was Sirius’ neck as it switched between places to direct his head.

“They flayed you?” Sirius’ horror was clear in his voice.

“Yes.” Remus’ voice sounded like a sob and Sirius was almost ready to cry himself.

Sirius moved in a hurried way that still possessed some of its usual elegance. He looked properly at Remus.

Remus was naked and there was blood in his hair but everything failed in comparison to the large portion of Remus’ skinless body. He was laying crookedly with his legs under his body, one arm was aligned with his face, and the other was lying limply on the ground after having pointed Sirius in the general direction of his discarded skin.

“I’m going to turn you around, okay?”

Remus’ head moved a bit in a weak attempt to shake his head, “No, please…” the pleading voice was back, “jus’ kill me. Please.” Sirius thought he heard wrong. He had to. One thing was to hear someone as strong-willed as Remus beg, which was surreal in itself, but begging for death? No, not Remus.

“Plea…se, Sir’us, hurts. It sh’ld ha…” He took a deep breath “Sh’ld have kill…ed… me.”

Sirius shook his head despite no one being able to see it, and took a hold of Remus’ soaked body and turned him.

The dirt on this side made it look less serious, but the increased half sobs told another story. Sirius knew it hurt more now. Dirt was digging into Remus’ uncovered body, but he had to see, had to know, that Remus wasn’t slipping between his fingers.

“Please, Sir’us.”

Remus looked too pained. His face was almost intact and looked more post moon than assaulted with his nasty looking bruise on one cheek and pale, clammy skin. The neck down was another story. Remus’ front had luckily been a bit luckier. However, it not by much.

Large portions of his skin from the neck down was removed, just like on the other side, but Sirius could see that a large stripe next to his stomach and his private area had been left alone.

Sirius looked for a way to carry Remus that would cause the least amount of pain when Remus got a disappointed professor-like look in his eyes, “Levi…tation ch’m.”

Sirius didn’t give himself time to be embarrassed before following Remus’ order.

Sirius ran and Remus tried to block out the pain. He was bleeding surprisingly little considering the amount of his body that was currently skinless but it still bled a lot and Sirius still didn’t like it when he tried to fall asleep. Sirius feared that falling asleep meant dying in this case and he had done too much for Remus for him to die when Sirius had finally found him. He couldn’t stop his dark thoughts though. They told him it would be too late either way. Apparating would be dangerous for both of them when Sirius was as tired as he was, and they wouldn’t be able to travel close enough to any help.

‘Dumbledore will come’, Sirius reminded himself, ‘and then everything will be okay.’ He felt like a child, but it was true. Things had a tendency to work out however the headmaster wished.

Sirius didn’t think it was possible but the trip out of the forest was even longer than the trip into it was. Some of it was of course that Sirius’ human form was slower than his Animagus form, but Sirius’ mental state was also largely to blame.

They were a few hundred meters from the edge of the forest when the apparating, transforming, running, and the levitation charm took their toll on Sirius. The charm flickered and he barely saved Remus from hitting the ground before he slowly lowered him. Sirius dropped to his knees in front of Remus and pulled him into an embrace with Remus’ back against Sirius’ chest.

“I’m sorry, Remus. You’ll have to hold on a bit longer, but Dumbledore is on his way.”

“O...okay” Remus’ voice was only a whisper but clearly took a lot of his energy. It was so soft that Sirius wouldn’t have noticed it if Remus’ mouth hadn’t been so close to his ear.

“Why are you all the way out here in some forest and why did you not tell us about it?”

“Secr’t…” Remus said another word but it was so indistinct that Sirius had to guess with next to no clues.

“You were on a secret mission?”

“Yeah…” Remus sounded oddly young at that moment. He sounded almost as young as he had been when Sirius had seen his hauntingly old eyes for the first time at the start of their first year at Hogwarts.

Sirius wanted to rub the dirt off Remus’ body. It was easy to rub it away from his face and Remus didn’t so much as wince when Sirius touched the nasty bruise a bit too harshly but not even Remus, who had so much training doing so, could hold the pained sounds away when Sirius touched his raw body. Sirius stopped right away. The pain must have been horrible and the blood clung to every little piece of dirt.

Sirius didn’t even know why he had thought it was a good idea in the first place.

“Sirius?” Remus sounded clearer to Sirius’ great pleasure.

“Yes, Remus?”

“Please…” Remus took a wet hold of Sirius’ sleeve and did a half-hearted attempt to hold in a wince, “Please...”

“No.” Sirius couldn’t look at Remus anymore and focused on the trees around them. “I would do anything for you, and Peter and James too, everything but that.”

Sirius steadfastly looked at the trees but he could still feel Remus’ sad gaze.

It was a beautiful day. It had been raining for days but it stopped the day before and the forest enjoyed the sun and was still full of water. The birds sang happy tunes and there was only a slight spring breeze.

However, to Sirius it was a horrible day. He wished it would rain so the dirt would leave Remus’ wounds. He wished the sun would shine brighter and make the coldness in his whole body disappear. But most of all, he wished he could make the situation better in any way.

Most of Remus wasn’t bleeding anymore. Sirius was relieved until he noticed that it had dried on Remus’ and Sirius’ skin and would break as soon as Sirius or Remus moved. Remus obviously knew it too because he made sure to only take as deep breaths as necessary to not pass out in order to bleed as little as possible.

Sirius wasn’t normally cuddling any men, except the occasionally cuddling with James just because they could, but he felt no shame or awkwardness in petting Remus’ hair and holding on to him. Deep inside a voice was still telling him that there was a traitor among Sirius’ immediate group of friends. James would hardly jeopardise his own, his wife’s, and his son’s life, and it couldn’t be Peter either. Sirius liked Peter, despite what some would say when they saw him being as harsh to him as he was from time to time, but even a close friend like Sirius had to admit Peter was hardly the best candidate to trick or spy on anyone. Peter was too fearful, too bad a liar, and although not entirely stupid, he wasn’t the fastest broom on the quidditch field.

And that had left only Remus. Remus who had succeeding hiding being a werewolf for over a year from his friends and roommates. Remus who couldn’t possibly not be just a tad bitter after all the discrimination he had to face every day. Remus who had been disappearing and reappearing with only badly made excuses that made no sense when you looked at the big picture.

Another voice reminded him that this was Remus who was hardly alive, shouldn’t have been alive, because he had been on a dangerous mission for Dumbledore that he hadn’t told anyone about. It told him that it probably wasn’t the first time he was on a secret mission for Dumbledore and it was such a Remus thing to do, being willing to suffer alone a thousand times if it meant someone else didn’t have to suffer once.

Sirius really didn’t know. All he knew was that he would be chasing whoever did this down as soon as he knew who to chase and he was sure Remus wouldn’t slip away as soon as Sirius turned his back.

“Who did this to you?”

“Secre-”

Sirius interrupted, “Yeah, I know it was on a secret mission, but I asked who.”

Remus looked away. Not to direct the conversation somewhere else or simply not answer, but just to think about how he would phrase his answer. That face usually meant he would lie, but Sirius would just have to look through him and then Remus would be forced to tell the truth.

“No one.” Sirius was unimpressed. This was a weak lie, especially for Remus.

“Really? You just shed all your skin like some slytherin?”

Remus looked like he considered saying yes, but his better judgement quickly caught up to him.

“I don’t feel like playing charade with you so who did it, Remus?”

“Death Eaters.”

Sirius kept looking at him. Hoping that Remus’ old trick to make others talk by keeping quiet would work and it was not just was a unique thing only Remus could do.

“I’ve spied on…” Remus had to collect himself as a deeper breath opened several lines over his chest, “Greyback’s pack.”

Sirius froze mid-pet. ‘Oh, that explained why Remus was chosen for this mission,’ Sirius thought.

“And they found out you spied on them then?”

“Yes.”

And that was that. Sirius wanted to ask many more questions. How long had Remus been spying on the werewolves? Why haven’t Remus told the others? If he wasn’t the traitor, did he think the traitor would tell Voldemort? Why did he agree to roam among people and all the things he hated?

Sirius could almost laugh at himself at the last question. Of course, he would agree to do it. That was simply how Remus was. Always guilt-stricken and willing to please.

Flies started to surround them. Sirius waved them away but they kept coming back. He was confused why there was so many. Had he just not noticed them when he ran into the forest?

A violent movement from Sirius jostled Remus. Remus’ breath barely changed and Sirius looked down to see if his friend was okay. He wasn’t. Remus was completely limp and looked more peaceful than he had in a long time. His mouth was barely parted and his eyes were closed, but little puffs left his mouth in an irregular rhythm, and Sirius was sure his friend was about to slip away.

He violently shook Remus’ body while calling his name, “Remus? Remus!? Wake up, damn it. _REMUS_!”

Traitorous feelings flared up and Sirius felt a lump in his throat but he couldn’t give himself the luxury of crying just yet. He would never forgive himself if he let his friend die because he was too weak. Especially if Remus wasn’t the traitor. A reality that seemed more and more likely.

“Moony, Moony, wake up. Please. Please, Moony.”

He was still shaking Remus but with far less strength than before, and he kept talking and begging Remus’ limp form but even he could not understand what his plaintive sounds meant when the lump in his throat grew. Blood was flowing down Remus’ body and his breath became scarce and shallow. The number of flies increased and Sirius wanted to hunt every one of them down for thinking they could drink Remus’ blood.

Sirius had tried to stop himself but the tears found their way down his cheeks. His vision was so blurred he wouldn’t have noticed Remus was waking up again if it wasn’t for his sounds of distress. Remus was in obvious pain but Sirius couldn’t think of a nicer sound at that moment.

“Moony? Moony, can you hear me? Answer me if you can hear me,” Sirius commanded without giving Remus a chance to answer.

Remus looked at Sirius with unfocused eyes and a slack mouth but the hand he painfully slowly put on top of and gently squeezed Sirius’ hand with before it fell limply again was answer enough for now. Sirius suspected that Remus was actually squeezing as hard as he could, but he visually shook that thought out of his head

Remus’ eyes started to wander. Sirius didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if he hoped it was the pain that made him like that. It was a horrible thing to hope for your friends, but Remus really wouldn’t have long if it was because of the blood loss. There was too many bleeding places to press to stop the bleeding and the pressure would just open more.

‘Why didn’t I read more healing magic? It’s a war and I didn’t even think to know this stuff,’ Sirius scolded himself internally.

Sirius turned his head so he could look directly at Remus. “Hey Moony, look at me.”

To be fair Remus seemed to be trying to do as he was told, but Sirius still couldn’t catch Remus’ eyes.

“Remus, you need to look at me.”

At last, Remus was looking directly at Sirius, but he wasn’t sure if it was pure luck or not. Remus’ mouth was still parted and his body was limp, the only part of him that seemed to be able to move deliberately was his eyes but he didn’t seem to be seeing anything. It scared Sirius to the core and he hoped Remus couldn’t feel how much Sirius wished someone would come and take over the situation.

Sirius asked, “How are you feeling?” It was a stupid question and Sirius could have hit himself if he didn’t have his arms full of werewolf.

“Tir’d,” Remus told him with a quiet mumble.

“You can’t sleep.”

“Noo…”

“Yes, and Dumbledore is going to be here soon and make it all better,” Sirius said, trying to convince both Remus and a bit himself.

‘Speaking of Dumbledore, when will he be here? It was him who thought Remus would be long gone and then he decides to use forever to come with help,’ Sirius thought bitterly.

The thought had barely left his mind when he heard rustling nearby. He hoped it was Dumbledore or someone else from the Order and not Death Eaters who wanted to finish Remus off. Sirius would try to fight them off but a battle between him protecting both Remus and himself and probably a whole group of Death Eaters would most likely end in the Death Eaters favour. However, that didn’t mean he would go down without a fight and he swiftly pointed his wand in the direction of the noise.

Sirius only knew one person who dressed in purple robes but in the time of war, no one could be sure of anything. “First thing you ever said to me,” Sirius demanded to know. Remus needed help as quickly as possible, but he would never hand him over to someone he wasn’t sure wasn’t an enemy.

Dumbledore looked shocked for a second. He clearly hadn’t noticed Sirius and Remus before he had been spoken to. “I told you and James, you held the record for fastest detention. “

Sirius nodded approvingly and waited as patiently as he could for Dumbledore’s question. “What was your detention?”

“Mopping the Entrance and the Great Hall.”

Dumbledore stepped closer with a few from the Order who all looked away as soon as they saw Remus. Sirius assumed it was because of how horrifying he looked covered in too much blood and too little skin but embarrassed on Remus’ behalf noticed they tried to keep Remus’ modesty by not looking at his naked state. Sirius wanted to lend Remus his muggle leatherjacket but he didn’t want to let Remus go for long enough to take it off. Someone was pushing the others away and Sirius was relieved Dumbledore had brought Madam Pomfrey who with her normal no nonsense attitude came forward. She took one look at Remus’ bloody state, lost her normal firmness, and almost sprinted over to them.

“Lupin, what happened?” she asked while looking with horror at him, trying to find out where the blood was coming from.

It became apparent that Remus wasn’t going to answer after several seconds had passed and Sirius decided to answer instead, “They flayed him, Madam Pomfrey! What kind of spell does that?”

Pomfrey took a horrified breath before answering, “There isn’t one. Maybe they cut him with a spell but the flaying…” Sirius was stunned. Pomfrey couldn’t say it but Remus’ skin had been ripped from his body. They hadn’t even used a spell. How long had it taken? Did Remus pass out in the process? Sirius hoped he had passed out instantly and had only woken up when Sirius had arrived. The alternative of him feeling everything was too horrible to think about even if it was probably closer to the truth.

Sirius looked pleadingly at Madam Pomfrey, “Don’t you have a healing spell or Dittany or _something_ for this?”

Madam Pomfrey turned her pained gaze to Sirius. “This is too big for a simple spell and no, we don’t have even nearly enough Dittany for this.” Sirius felt disappointed as he saw her turn her gaze back to Remus.

“Sirius,” Sirius looked up at Dumbledore, “is there anyone else in the forest?”

Sirius wanted to tell him he didn’t know. There probably wasn’t but he didn’t know if they actually left the forest when the laughter stopped or if they still lingered around somewhere.

“No,” Sirius said. He thought it was true and Remus needed to get away as fast as possible. Besides, the Death Eaters would have killed Sirius and Remus if they had heard them, and he hadn’t tried to be quiet in his hast to get out of the forest.

“Albus.” Madam Pomfrey had collected herself and said in a hasty and firm tone, “He needs help immediately.”

“Can you apparate all the way to St Mungo's with him in your current state?” Sirius noted that Madam Pomfrey did indeed look tired.

“No, but I can to Hogwarts.”

“Very well.”

“Mr. Black, I need you to let him go.” Sirius shook his head. He wanted to let someone else take over, but he wouldn’t let Remus go. “I can’t apparate all three of us.”

Sirius shook his head again, they didn’t have time for this. Remus hadn’t said anything or even moved in too long but he needed to protect his friend. “I will do it.”

“No, you are too weak.”

Sirius knew it was true. If he had the strength to apparate himself and Remus, he would have done it already, but he was still reluctant to let anyone take Remus away.

Remus made an almost nonexistent sound of troubled breathing and Sirius swallowed before he slowly let go of Remus and with the help of both Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore removed Remus from his chest. Sirius felt his eyes well up with tears as they all heard the sound of Remus’ coagulated blood breaking as Remus was pulled away.

Madam Pomfrey didn’t wait for anyone and apparated as soon as Remus didn’t touch anyone else. A sob left Sirius as he looked down at his stiff clothes. His whole front and his arms all the way up to the middle of his biceps were red and brown with blood in different states of solidifying.

Dumbledore looked at him full of pity, “Let me apparate you home.”

“No!” Sirius shouted with a surprisingly firm tone for someone drenched in blood and crying. “I need to see him. Make sure he doesn’t… doesn’t die.”

“Very well. We will be at Hogwarts shortly,” He turned around to the little group he had gathered. “Thank you for coming on such a short notice. You may return home now.”

The first few had already left when Dumbledore put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder and disapparted.

Pomfrey was kneeling in front of Remus when they arrived. Sirius walked over to them as soon as he saw them and took off his beloved leatherjacket. He ignored how it stuck to his shirt and laid it on Remus’ lap in a fluid motion.

Remus was taking short, rapid breaths and bleeding even more than he did before. “Did you splinch him?” Sirius asked. He tried to keep the blame out of his voice but wasn’t successful.

“No, he just isn’t in a state to apparate at all.”

Dumbledore led the way into the castle, Pomfrey levitated Remus, and Sirius felt useless as he followed them looking at Remus’ serene face that didn’t belong to such a bloody body fighting to stay alive.

The students in the hallways looked at Remus and Sirius in horror. Some ran away as soon as they had grasped the situation and Sirius would have loved to hex them before they could get their friends so they could stare at Remus together. Remus who hated attention and would close off as soon as he realised how many people had seen him in such a weak state.

They arrived in the Hospital Wing and was finally shut away from prying eyes. Pomfrey took Remus to his old, private room secured from students looking at him when he as a student recovered from the full moon. Dumbledore didn’t go in with her and held a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. He could easily have shaken the old man’s hand of him but Dumbledore held too much of Sirius’ respect for Sirius to not listen to him and Dumbledore wouldn’t have stopped him without a good reason.

The reason came right before Pomfrey closed the door to the room with a flick of her wand, “I need silence to fix, Mr. Lupin. You can wait in the hospital ward or in my office.”

Sirius nodded even after she was out of his sight. Dumbledore was about to lead Sirius to the matron’s office but Sirius refused. “I want to see him the second I’m allowed. “ Dumbledore nodded and instead led him to the closest bed.

“I need to arrange some business. Will you be alright?”

“Yes,” Sirius answered even though he doubted that he would be even close to alright for a long time.

The silence was loud. He could just make out a bit of sound through the door if he listened very carefully. His clothes were stiff and he wished he had asked if Dumbledore had any clothes he could change into. Be it an old uniform or Dumbledore’s ugliest rope. He wished he had a mirror to see if he looked as bad as he thought.

‘A mirror?’ Sirius thought. He did have a mirror. He undoubtedly would just worry James if he used the mirror, but Sirius needed to talk to someone. The quiet made him feel too lonely and helpless. He took out the two-way mirror from his tight pants. They were drenched and stiff with blood but looked much better than the shirt that started out as white when Sirius had decided to wear it that day.

“James Potter.”

Sirius only saw a glimpse of himself before James appeared. 

“Hello Pa- What the hell happened!?” James almost constantly looked on edge lately but not as terrified as he looked in the small mirror.

“Is that blood?”

Sirius touched his stiff hair and let his hand travel down his eye and cheek.

Sirius could barely squeeze out an answer, “Yes, it is.”

“Your blood?” James sounded just as serious as he had when he had explained to Sirius and the others why he and his family was going into hiding.

“No,” Sirius choked out, “it’s Moony’s”

“Mo-Re-Remus’?” James stuttered.

“Yes!” Sirius sobbed, “Yes, it is.”

James too had tears in his eyes when Sirius had taken a few deep breaths.

“Padfoot, what happened?” James looked out the mirror as if his own mirror would tell him the answers if he looked at it hard enough.

“A f-forest in Scotland something Glas Leitre…” Sirius tried to tell everything to James but he couldn’t get the words out. “I don’t think he’s the traitor.”

“Why, Sirius? Please tell me what happened.”

“He - He sent a patronus to Dumbledore. Had spied on - on Greyback’s pack, and I don’t” Sirius had to collect himself, “I don’t think this is the first time he spied on them.”

James kept quiet but his widened, brown eyes told Sirius how shocked he was about the news. Sirius broke down. He couldn’t take the fear of losing Remus, the horror of blaming him if he really wasn’t the traitor, the thought of his friend not trusting him, and hypocrisy of having had such horrible thoughts about his friend but being hurt that Remus properly hadn’t trusted him either. James waited patiently until Sirius could talk again and looked at Sirius with yearning eyes that screamed how much he wanted to both know everything and console his friend.

“His patronus,” Sirius hiccupped, “it said they had found out.” James gasped in horror but otherwise kept quiet.

“Said they lured him away and when I came they had… His skin - his skin was…” Sirius couldn’t continue. The image of the pile of skin and the pile he thought was dirt came back to him. Should he had brought the skin along with Remus? Would Madam Pomfrey have been able to put it back on his body? He hoped not because it was too late now and he would never forgive himself if Remus died or suffered unnecessarily long because of him. Remus had suffered too much for most of his life and didn’t need any more suffering.

James soon realised that Sirius wasn’t going to say anything more and decided to ask for more information.

“Padfoot,” his tone was as serious as before but Sirius knew him enough to detect the concern in his voice, “where’s Remus right now?”

“The Hospital Wing.”

James looked confused. “At Hogwarts?”

“Yes. St Mungo’s was too far away.” James nodded understandingly. “Maybe it’s for the best. Pomfrey is great and most healers are… horrible.” James nodded again. They all knew that the hospital was horrible to werewolves. At least most of the healers there were. They hadn’t understood it completely in the start, no matter how many times Remus told them he didn’t like the place, but one time with an injured werewolf cured them from their ignorance. Yes, they healed him, but they had hurt him mentally about as much as they healed him physically and would have killed or left him for dead if they could have.

“James, will he survive?”

Sirius felt awful for asking James such a question. James had no chance to know the answer. He was stuck in his house far away from Sirius and Remus and Sirius was a couple of meters and a wall from Remus.

“I don’t know, Sirius, but he is in the best hands I know.”

Sirius looked down in his lap. James uttered the harsh truth even though it was obvious that he wished he could have told Sirius that everything would be okay.

The door opened and Madam Pomfrey walked out. She had blood on her clothes and looked winded. Her eyes wandered around the room.

“Will he be okay?” her eyes finally found Sirius.

“I hope so. I have done what I can with what I have.”

“Don’t you have Dittany or something else to help him with here?”

Pomfrey looked like she would rather have Sirius stop talking, but she answered him anyway, “I have used all the Dittany we had on him but it is very hard to get a hold of because of how rare the plant is.”

“So you can’t get more? Is it the money? I have money, so does James and Peter’s middleclass.” James loudly agreed with Sirius through the mirror, but Sirius wasn’t sure if Madam Pomfrey noticed. If she did, she didn’t show it.

“Like I said it’s quite rare.”

“But he will be okay, right?”

“He’s stable now. You can see him for a few minutes.” Sirius smiled tiredly and gratefully at her. “But don’t touch him and get me if you see anything wrong with him.”

Sirius nodded and jumped down from the bed. Madam Pomfrey gave him a worried look. “Do you want to borrow some clothes? I’m sending your jacket down to the laundry, I can do the same to the rest of your clothes and give it back to you before you leave.”

Sirius looked down at his once white shirt and dark trousers. “I’m gonna burn this,” He thought for a moment, “but I would like to get my jacket washed.” Madam Pomfrey’s eyes lingered on Sirius for a moment before she left.

“No Lily, I can’t leave the mirror!” James said angrily. Sirius had momentarily forgotten that James was in the mirror. “Dinner can wait, Remus’ in trouble.”

Sirius looked down and saw Lily forcefully take the mirror out of James’s hands. “Is he okay? What happened? Answer me, Sirius!”

“Give the man a chance to answer, Lily.” James directed the mirror in his direction. “Go in and see him, mate.”

Sirius did as he was told and walked into the room and closed the door carefully after himself. He didn’t really think that Remus would wake up that easily after the day he had had, but Sirius wasn’t ready to take any chances. Sirius took one look at Remus and was sure this had to be some kind of nightmare. He looked horrible. His hair was dishevelled, his bruise looked even worse and he was as white as the blanket over his body, and his neck, arms, and hands were still looking raw. Sirius walked closer and realised he was hovering about a centimetre above the bed.

“Padfoot, mate, we are really worried about Remus too.”

Sirius lifted the mirror and directed it in Remus’ direction. Both James and Lily gasped but fell deadly silent after that. Sirius took a hesitant step closer to Remus. He looked so frail. Sirius felt silly for thinking this helpless creature could ever harm anyone, but he knew Remus could be a very dangerous man when he recovered. Because he simply had to recover.

Remus was smart and good at magic. He was dangerous for the man he was, not the wolf, as many believed if they found out what he was. But when Sirius saw Remus looking like that in the painfully familiar room, he couldn’t help remembering how Remus was in school. So timid and nice. Secretive too. Even when the others found out what he was, he still held an air of mystery. He couldn’t help it. Anyone would be like that after having been raised for such a long time to never trust anyone.

Sirius wanted to touch Remus. Make sure he was alive and breathing, but he didn’t dare to break Madam Pomfrey’s order.

Sirius walked the last distance to the bed and leaned the mirror against an empty goblet on the night table. He noted Remus had a bluish tint to his lips and several veins were visible on his face. At least Remus had been cleaned and his hair looked soft and healthy without a trace of blood.

No one said anything or moved, but everyone was afraid that if they looked away for a second it would mean Remus stopped breathing. Harry started fussing a couple of minutes after Sirius had entered the room but he either stopped by himself quickly or one of his parents sacrificed a moment to take care of their son.

Pomfrey opened the door too quickly after letting Sirius into the room, but he left without complaint. Madam Pomfrey was carrying his leatherjacket, a pair of uniform pants, and a shirt that looked like it was made from the same material as the hospital gowns.

“You can keep this or throw it out, but you will attract a lot of attention if you go out in your clothes.” Sirius looked down at his clothes and hands and agreed. He stopped his mirror call with James and Lily before painfully taking his shirt off without regards to Pomfrey being right in front of him. Pomfrey saw his painful expression and used the cleaning charm to clean Sirius. He could feel the blood disappearing from his hair and skin but while his trousers got cleaner too they were still miscoloured with blood.

Sirius took a hold of his clothes when he was in clean clothes once more. Pomfrey offered to take the clothes off his hands both literally and figuratively speaking, and Sirius handed the clothes over to her.

“Please tell me if anything changes,” Sirius asked.

“I will, Mr. Black.” She looked at him as he put the mirror in his pocket and held on to his wand that had been in his bloody trousers. “Do you have anyone to stay with tonight?”

Sirius looked puzzled at her. “I’m not injured.”

“I know. I wouldn’t let you leave if you were, but I don’t think you should be alone tonight. You can stay here if you don’t have anywhere else to stay, but I won’t let you stay in Mr. Lupin’s room.”

Sirius opened his mouth to argue that he wasn’t a child who needed babysitting but a firm look stopped him and he surrendered. “I will go the Potters’.”

“Good.”

“But tell Dumbledore to pass on the message if he finds anything.”

“I will,” Madam Pomfrey said patiently.

Sirius used floo powder to get to Godric’s Hollow. It was a village mostly inhabited by wizards and witches but not exclusively. Luckily the local pub had a room with only a fireplace and a magically locked door. Sirius was glad he had changed clothes as he walked towards the Potters’ Cottage. The blood would attract attention which would both be bad for Sirius’ mental state and he was always afraid someone would see him disappear when he walked into the area of The Fidelius Charm. He knew deep down that it wouldn’t do much even if people saw as they could be looking directly at the house and not see it, but paranoia was common in wartimes.

He knocked on the door and was relieved to see James’s mistrustful face.

“What was the last thing I told you?”

“That you and Lily were worried about Remus.”

James sought anything suspicious about Sirius. “What are you doing here?”

“Madam Pomfrey didn’t want me to be alone tonight.”

James took a hold of Sirius’ shirt and pulled him inside and into a quick hug.

Lily ran from the kitchen into the hallway and hugged Sirius.

The rest of the night was emotional. Lily forced some food down Sirius’s throat and insisted Sirius told her anything she and James didn’t know already, but received no further information. It was simply too painful and Sirius was glad James already had already told her what Sirius had told him. He didn’t think he could take telling or even just hearing it again. Harry was happy to see Sirius but could feel the tension and sad atmosphere. It made him fussy but knocked him out half an hour before his usual bedtime.

Sirius took a long shower after Harry was put to bed. Sirius was clean but he never felt completely clean after a charm instead of a bath or shower. James and Lily told him that Peter had been informed that Remus had been hurt badly but not the details and that both James and Lily were on their way to bed when Sirius came out of the shower almost an hour later. He too was exhausted after a very stressful day and they all went to bed.

Sirius missed Hogwarts. He missed the pranks, the happiness, that almost every problem had a solution, and to be able to listen to the others breathing deeply as their slept. It had told him that he wasn’t alone in the world and he wished he could hear it at that moment as the helplessness and loneliness crept up on him.


	2. Cut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter finally makes an appearance, Harry have made some sweet ass drawings, and the full moon arrives.

Sirius was still exhausted the next morning but he felt much better. He took one of James's T-shirts, a pair of pants he had left at the Potter's a month ago, and his leatherjacket and felt much more like himself than he had since he had found Remus the day prior. Everything was clearer and despite a nightmare about what could easily have happened to Remus if Sirius had been just a minute too late, he felt more hopeful for his friend's recovery.

He walked down to the kitchen and saw Lily cooking while James fed Harry. It was an endearing image and it would have fooled Sirius if it wasn't for Lily's firm grip on everything she touched and James's tense shoulders.

"Good morning, Evans, James, Prongslet." Sirius gave each of them a nod as he said their names.

"It's Potter, Sirius, it has been that for 2 years now."

"Whatever you say, Evans."

"You look better, Pads," said James after having persuaded Harry to eat a couple of mouthfuls of whatever the brown substance was supposed to be.

"Thanks." Sirius walked over to the chair next to James and sat down on it sideways with a casual arm on the backrest. "And thanks for letting me crash."

"No problem, mate," James said and roughly padded Sirius a few times on the back.

"Yeah, you're more than welcome any time. Especially if you can help get me all this food of my hands."

"Well, I'm always ready to help a friend out," Sirius said excitedly while looking at her placing a plate with toasted toast and eggs. The whole Potter family had been too good for cereal since they went into hiding and both Lily and James had made big, tasty breakfasts and suppers for themselves and everyone who visited. The only meal they ever slacked off from time to time was lunch. Lily looked sadly at Sirius' baconless plate, and Sirius made a mental note to pick up some groceries, if he remembered it.

They ate in silence until James had fed Harry and Lily had fed herself. James magically reheated and started on his own breakfast as Lily left to change and entertain Harry.

"I have been thinking, Padfoot."

"Dangerous territory for you."

James gave Sirius a pointed look, "Like I said: I have been thinking about what you said yesterday." James paused for a second while he took a bite and shallowed it, "about Remus not being the spy."

"Yes, what about it?"

"Are you sure he isn't? Lily and I never knew what to believe but you have seemed so sure for so long."

"I can never be sure unless we find the real traitor, but he isn't the prime suspect anymore."

"Of course," James looked out the window with knit eyebrows as he continued, "but if it isn't Remus who could it be? Me and Lily obviously isn't the spy."

"You don't think it's me, do you?" Sirius' eyebrows rose and his mouth was contracting nervously.

James looked back at Sirius with wide eyes, "No, of course not. You're the last person I would ever think to do something like that."

Sirius relaxed in his seat. "I don't know who it could be either. The only ones with any real information is you, Lily, Remus, Peter, and me. Unless of course your son really is as bright as you try to make people believe. Then we really have a problem with someone leaking information." Sirius and James laughed a bit. It wasn't really funny but everyone was tense and sometimes you just had to find an excuse to laugh.

"I know you want us to switch to Peter as the Secret Keeper," James said after the laughter died out.

"Yeah, and use me as a decoy, why?"

James's eyes squinted a bit as if staring directly at a problem and pursed his lips in reflection, "Do you really think it's a good idea to trust Peter with this if we don't have anyone we think is the spy."

'No, it's not a good idea', was Sirius' first thought but he only voiced the second one, "Peter can't be the traitor, he's… Peter. Ran after you like a puppy for years and smiled when you accidently knocked one of his teeth out with a Quaffle."

"It was a few actually, but it was a long time ago, and he's so secretive lately," James said with an expressionless face but a guilty voice.

"Everyone is acting strangely. We're in a war and you almost can't trust anyone anymore."

"Maybe, but I think we need another Secret Keeper or another decoy."

"And what a great secret keeper I would make, no matter who you choose as a decoy." Sirius said with flaring nostrils and balled hands, "It's bloody obvious I can't be your secret Secret Keeper! Everyone who had known either of us for over a minute knows I would be the Secret Keeper."

"Then be the decoy. I don't fucking care!" Harry started crying from the living room at the sound of his father shouting and James lowered his tone but not the anger in it, "Me and Lily will probably ask Dumbledore if the offer of being the Secret Keeper still stands."

"Dumbledore? He's the headmaster at Hogwarts and the leader of the Order. Hasn't he done enough already!?" Sirius hissed even though he would have loved to yell at James, but Harry didn't deserve to be frightened just because James wouldn't see reason.

"Sirius, it's my house, my family, and I will protect them no matter what, and sorry, I like Dumbledore as much as you do but I will not sacrifice not only myself but my wife and son" James said the last word louder and firmer, "for him and your feelings. I trust you with my life, but I can't be unsure for their safety just because Dumbledore is a busy, old man."

"Okay, Prongs, I will be the decoy and Dumbledore can be the Secret Keeper, but no one else can know." Sirius said seriously, "You, Lily, Dumbledore, and me, but no one else, right?"

James nodded, "Yes, Padfoot, no one else will know." James looked at Sirius in a more casual way that only seemed entirely casual to someone who didn't know James very well. "Could you ask Dumbledore to stop by so we can discuss this Secret Keeper business when you see him at the Order meeting today?"

Sirius was sad that James still remembered when there was an Order meeting. It was like seeing a small child remembering the date to a birthday party he or she wasn't invited to, but Sirius didn't show it and instead told James that he would do it.

Sirius and James talked casually together until noon and Sirius decided to leave after a quick lunch. Lily, of course, told him he was more than welcome any time as she usually did at least once when he visited them and James told him to be careful and visit Remus for them. Like Sirius wasn't going to visit him anyway. Harry made leaving hard with his mournful eyes and pouty lip when he realised Sirius was leaving, but at least Sirius had a mission to track down some Dittany for Madam Pomfrey, visit Remus, and hurry to the Order meeting that evening. It justified being the cause of Harry's sadness, however short-lived, but it still hurt every time.

Finding Dittany was hard. Sirius had pretty much visited every shop in Diagonally that wasn't a pub. He even looked for it in Madam Primpernelle's Beautifying Potions in the hope that curing scars was reason enough for them to sell Dittany. It wasn't and besides a creepy comment from a teenage girl's grandmother about "Seeing some beauty in these hard times" it was relatively uneventful.

Sirius was luckily able to buy all the Dittany in Slug & Jiggers Apothecary, sadly that was because the whole shop only sold a two very sad looking Dittany herbs. Sirius didn't think if it was close to enough for Remus' severe injuries but it was better than nothing and Sirius left the shop in order to arrive unannounced to Hogwarts.

Walking into Hogwarts was frighteningly easy. Sirius had hoped it was a tad bit more difficult, both because he liked a challenge and more importantly, it was a place where small 11-year-olds ran around. Sirius wrinkled his nose in disgust over how old he sounded as he thought that.

The students looked curiously at him as he walked by. A smug smile found its way on his face as he noticed the girls looking dreamingly at him. The smile left faster than it had arrived as soon as he opened the door to the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey was walking out of Remus' room with an exhausted expression. She looked a bit peaky and was slightly dark under her eyes. He hoped she had just been fretting for no reason but it was a naïve hope.

"Mr. Black, how did you get in here?"

"I walked through the gate. You should really do something about the security."

"Very well. I'm glad it wasn't too difficult as I'm afraid Mr. Lupin isn't well enough for visitors."

This worried Sirius and he looked searchingly at her, "But he was well enough yesterday."

Madam Pomfrey looked at Sirius without saying anything.

"Something happened after I left didn't there?"

Madam Pomfrey sighed. Either remembering or realising that Sirius wouldn't leave matters alone, "Not immediately but he opened his wound in several places early this morning. I assume a nightmare caused it, but I had to give him Sleeping Draught before he hurt himself further." Sirius couldn't help noticing that she referred to it as one wound. It had been the truth when Sirius had found him in the forest but Sirius had hoped the blanket-covered part of Remus' body had been covered in skin once more.

Sirius didn't think he would be able to take the details, if Madam Pomfrey would even be willing to tell him anything more, and showed the plant he hadn't even dared to put into his pocket. "I bought some Dittany."

Madam Pomfrey reached out after it, "Thank you." and left as soon as she took a hold of it.

Sirius stood awkwardly and watched her go into her office and came out 5 minutes later with white fabric over her arm and a couple of potions on a tray where Essence of Dittany also stood in a small bottle. She looked at Sirius for a moment before heading towards the door, stopped and turned towards Sirius.

"Your help would be appreciated, if you don't mind."

"No, of course not. I will do anything to help."

Madam Pomfrey looked calculating at him "Wash your hands and come inside."

Sirius nodded eagerly even though she couldn't see him anymore.

The first thing Sirius noted was that the room smelled strongly of blood, the second was that Remus lying with the blanket only covering him from the waist down.

It was obvious that Madam Pomfrey had worked on Remus. He had big patches of fragile, pink skin on the side of his rips. The pieces of skin didn't meet in the middle but Madam Pomfrey was starting ready with Dittany and would surely fix that soon, but the rest of him looked just as horrible as the day before and would do that for a long time. Where he had been covered in dirt that did their best to disguise the damage and fresh blood, he was now covered in one big, black scab.

"What do you want me to do?"

Madam Pomfrey turned her head at the sound of Sirius' voice but looked back at Remus before she had turned it properly.

"I need you to be close by in case he wakes up or something happens."

She didn't wait for an answer before she started to apply the Dittany to Remus' chest. Sirius had seen Dittany being used once before and he could swear there had been a large, greenish cloud of smoke instead of the little that flew up from Remus' chest.

Remus' upper lip raised, his nose wrinkled, his eyebrows pressed down to his eyes, and his head curled slightly back in pain. It was such a little movement, that he wouldn't have noticed it if it wasn't because of the blood that started flowing down from his neck.

Pomfrey stopped applying the healing plant and instead used her hand to stop Remus from moving his head more.

"I need you to turn him around, Mr. Black, and try to only touch his sides. When you have done that, I want you to hold his head. We're lucky the Sleeping Draught still has a hold of him, but not well enough."

Pomfrey let go of Remus' head and Sirius wasted no time. He turned Remus around in a fluid movement and took a hold of his head. Remus wasn't moving anymore, but Sirius wasn't ignorant enough to think it wouldn't do exactly that in a second or two.

Pomfrey applied a couple of drops and a bigger cloud than before but still far smaller than he had seen the first time he saw the herb in action. The wound started to heal but barely any skin stretched over the new wound. She applied a few more drops and the skin looked almost well after a few seconds of smoking, but Sirius noticed it didn't turn into normal skin but instead one big scar.

"Madam, shouldn't it heal his skin completely?"

Madam Pomfrey looked at the scar, "No, Dittany can only prevent scars if it is used immediately." She started applying the potion to Remus' back that was filled with both old and new blood. He realised then that she had been trying to make sure he didn't bleed because of his breathing.

"But wouldn't he be unable to move with all the scars when you have healed him?" Madam Pomfrey got a guilty look in her eyes when Sirius said 'when'.

"I'm looking for scar reducing potions, but I fear I will be too late." Sirius looked sadly at her. He knew what she saw about to say. "If he doesn't get any scar reducing treatment he will bleed to dead at his next transformation."

Sirius didn't know if he was imagining it, but the places where Remus had opened his wound looked better than the untouched flesh around them as she applied the Dittany to his back.

"Is there anything I could do to help? I know you are the most capable person to do this, but if there's anything I could do, I would be more than happy to help."

"I can't stop you from looking, but I don't believe there is much you could do."

Sirius looked at the broken figure of his friend and decided that knowledge was more important than Madam Pomfrey's feelings. "Madam?"

"Yes, Mr. Black? And please let go of him for a second." She waved her hands at Sirius' until he let go of Remus' head and turned him back on his back. Sirius took a hold of Remus' head again when he saw that there was still some Dittany left.

"Why hasn't he been moved to St Mungo's?"

Pomfrey didn't stop applying the last drops of Dittany as she answered, "I contacted them, but they told me that they weren't willing to treat him."

"What!? Because he's a werewolf?" Sirius asked with wide, horrified eyes.

"Yes."

"But not only that?"

Madam Pomfrey didn't answer but instead focused on placing the last Dittany a strategically good place.

"Come on, Pomfrey, I'm a grown man. I can take it."

"You're barely older than a boy, but yes, they feared for their staff getting in contact with his blood especially because they think he is a lost cause. They only offered a bed and painpotions for him."

Sirius was silent as he looked at Remus' face that slowly relaxed once more. "Do you think it is a lost cause?" Sirius asked when Remus looked completely serene again.

"I can't answer that, but I know he is a very strong, young man, who has tricked Death many times."

"You can only knock on his door so many times before he comes back with vengeance."

"Wise words, you better remember them yourself."

"I will do my best." Sirius said and thought, 'let us hope that Remus will be there to remind me.'

Sirius noticed the time and saw that he would have to leave soon if he didn't want to be late to the Order meeting.

"I'm leaving now. Thank you for taking care of him, Madam."

"I don't care for Mr. Lupin for you or Dumbledore." It was said in a slightly rude way he had never heard Madam Pomfrey use before, but it warmed his heart that she admitted to treating him for either herself or Remus and no one else.

The Order meeting was as eventful as always. Seven muggles had died in some kind of explosion and Dumbledore theorised that it was Death Eaters that had killed them. Remus was mentioned indirectly but it was only Dumbledore and Sirius who knew it was actually Remus who he was talking about when he said told the others that they had lost an inside source.

Sirius was worried about were Peter had been. He looked exhausted and Sirius asked him about why he didn't attend the meeting the day prior but he wouldn't answer. That wasn't that concerning as almost everyone in the Order had or had had secret missions no one but them and Dumbledore could know about, but Dumbledore's badly hidden, curious eyes told Sirius that Dumbledore didn't know the answer either.

Sirius wanted to pry some more but Peter left as soon as the meeting ended. Sirius instead lingered until everyone but he and Dumbledore was gone.

"Are you afraid I will get another patronus?"

"What?" Sirius was confused until he remembered what had happened after the last Order meeting. "No, but Lily and James asked me if you could spare them a visit."

"Of course, care to join me?" Dumbledore took an arm out, signalling he was apparating and wanted Sirius to tag along.

After having arrived in the same pub room in Godric's Hollow that Sirius had arrived in via Floo Network the day prior, they walked towards Potter's Cottage. For what felt like forever, things was progressing smoothly. Dumbledore was a bit against having a decoy, but agreed to be the Secret Keeper while no one else either had no clue who the Potter's Secret Keeper could be or thought it was Sirius. Dumbledore's warning about it being dangerous to be a decoy raised alarms in Sirius' head, but he would suffer all the torture in the world if it meant James, Lily, and little Harry was safe. Especially because he now knew there was no danger he would tell them the location just to make them stop hurting him.

Dumbledore left as soon as the charm had been cast. Sirius decided to stay for a little while before going home.

"I'm glad Dumbledore also thought it was a good idea to keep the switch of Secret Keeper secret from Remus and Peter." Sirius said as he laid down in the sofa as if it was his own bed and relaxed. His eyes were closed and he looked as if he was already fast asleep.

"Me too, mate," James said, closing his eyes as he sat in a comfortable chair close to the sofa.

Sirius thought for a bit before staring at James. "Shouldn't Dumbledore know who the traitor is?"

"How the bloody hell should he know that?"

"He is the one who gives out missions, including all the secret ones, so shouldn't he be able to tell who isn't present at the Order meetings with a legit reason and who isn't?"

"You're being too paranoid. Besides who says they have their meetings when the Order does?"

"I guess you're right. Dumbledore wouldn't have anything to gain from withholding that information." They both knew that not seeing a motive for something was as close to trust as Sirius would get until the war was over.

Sirius looked at the wall as James looked at him. "But there's something that bothers me, Prongs."

"What?" said James with a level of patience he hadn't possessed before becoming a father.

"Why wouldn't Moony tell us he was working as a spy in Greyback's pack?"

"I don't know, Pads. Maybe he was told not to or maybe he just didn't want to worry us."

Sirius blew out loudly as a sad imitation of laughter, "Yeah that sounds like something Moony would do."

James looked at Sirius with broken eyes. "Did you visit him today?"

"Yeah, and I brought some Dittany to Pomfrey."

"That's good," said James with a hopeful voice.

"Yeah, but she needs a lot more and it leaves scars instead of skin. He can't even breath without bleeding."

James sat up straighter, "Can't Pomfrey do something?"

Sirius shook his head sadly and took a deep breath before talking, "And it's so hard seeing him like that. Pomfrey does her best but there's not anything she can do. I don't know if she's even able to feed him or make him drink anything."

"I know, Pads." Sirius suddenly remembered that both James and Lily had seen Remus through James's and Sirius' two-way mirrors the day before. "Have Peter visited him?"

"I don't think so," Sirius said without disguising his dislike of that fact.

"I wish I could visit him." James said wishfully. Sirius hoped Remus survived. Both because he would never get used to losing the people he loved, no matter how long the war would stretch on, but also because James and Lily would not be able to attend the funeral. Sirius wished he had listened to Remus back in their schooldays when he after a particular difficult transformation tried to tell them what kind of funeral he wanted. It had seemed too distant a concept for them back then but also too sad for them at that time, but it would help everyone who knew him if he didn't make it. Sirius shamefully realised it had probably made Remus sad when they ordered him to stop saying such things. They had ordered a boy who almost never had the confidence to tell anyone anything he wanted to stop talking. A child voice calling, "Daaaaaaaaaa", interrupted Sirius' thoughts.

James stood up from the chair, "Duty calls, do you want to say goodnight to Prongs 2.0 with us?"

Sirius smiled genially for the first time that day, "Of course, I can never say no to seeing little Specky Junior."

"Let's hope that he has Lily's eyesight."

Sirius let of a bark of a laugh as they walked towards Harry's room. "Mate, he may had her eyes but your stinky genes will ruin every child."

"Wow, thanks, for insulting both me and my only child," James said annoyed but the amused smile the men shared betrayed that notion.

Sirius didn't visit Remus or the Potters for days after that. He had barely slept for 2 hours when Dumbledore summoned him. The Death Eaters was busy and attacked muggleborn wizards and their family in groups around the country. Many innocent people died. The Order simply couldn't be everywhere at once, but luckily no one Sirius knew died and the only serious injured form the Order was Marlene who got both cursed and a slashed leg, but only had to be admitted to St Mungo's for a few hours before she was almost as good as new. Several Death Eaters were captured or killed in those days. There were too few of them to win over the Order when there was a battle. Sirius would have visited any of his friends after the last Death Eater had been captured or escaped and he was told his service was not needed any more, but was ordered to go home, eat, sleep, and be ready for the next battle or mission.

Peter was already there when Sirius finally did find the time to visit the Potters, and was informed that he had been there for only ten minutes before Sirius arrived. Now that he thought about it, Sirius hadn't seen Peter when he was battling Death Eaters, so it was the first time he had seen him in about as long time as it had been since he saw James, Lily, and Harry.

Sirius took a good look at Peter after a hug from everyone in the household. He looked thinner and tired, just like everyone Sirius knew did, but he looked well otherwise. Except the darting eyes. He didn't think Peter could be any worse than he had been as he had been as a child and teenager, but here he was.

"Wom-ta! Wom-ta!" Harry happily cried when he woke up from his nap and saw Peter. He ran into Peter's arms so hard he punched the air out of the fair-haired man.

"Aww, no love for old Padfoot, I see."

"Shush, you, he has just missed Peter," Lily lightly scolded.

Harry let go of Peter and ran as fast as he could on his clumsy legs, "Pa'foooooo'!" And it was then Sirius' turn to get a thump in the stomach, but he didn't mind and smiled happily as he tried to catch his breath. Sirius was not generally fond of children but he couldn't understand how anyone could even think about hurting one of the only lights in the dark times. He didn't understand Peter's pained way of looking at Harry either. He had been positively giddy when Lily told them she was expecting Harry. Back then, it had been Sirius who was skeptical about the idea of his friends getting a child in the middle of a war. He was happy for them sure, but he hadn't been near as excited as he was every time he saw Harry. His perfect, little godson. Heir to the Marauder-throne and everything great.

"Pad, Pad, Pad, Pad, Pad." Harry jumped up and down while holding one of Sirius' hands.

"What is it?" Sirius asked the excited child. He got an answer immediately that also appeared to concern Peter, if how Harry looked between them and took a hold of one of Peter's hands while still holding Sirius' was any indication. Sadly, neither Peter nor Sirius knew what Harry said.

"Sorry, Wizkid, you will have to repeat that." Sirius said as kindly as he could, but was only awarded with the same excited gibberish from an unexperienced mouth.

Lily felt sorry for the two very confused men and saved them quickly, "He missed you two, so he drew some pictures for you, he very proud of them. Aren't you, honey?"

"Yeeeeees!" Harry answered loudly. Sirius hoped that he would stop stretching almost all his words when he got older, but right now it was so adorable Sirius felt like he had to punch a wall or something to ever feel like a man again.

Harry then pulled both men to his room. Sirius was happy that Harry didn't run to his room because he had taken a hold off Sirius' right hand with his own right hand, and Sirius could either walk backwards or right behind Harry. He didn't feel like walking into a wall or fall, so he lived with the fear of stepping on Harry the whole way into his room.

The room was neat as always. Lily cleaned it as soon as one little toy was misplaced. Evidence of how much Lily was bored in her house day out and day in. The only thing that didn't stand on its shelf or in a box was a small stack of drawings.

Harry let go of both men's hands and ran towards the stack of papers. He spread the three papers on the small table and took the one if the middle. Walked over to Peter and waved it near his hand while saying, "Woooom-ta" in a serious voice that made it sound like he was giving a paper containing the answers to defeating Voldemort, not a drawing to his father's friends.

Harry had his head tilted back and was grinning with an open mouth as he looked at Peter looking at his drawing.

"Thank you, it is a very nice drawing," Peter said a bit stiffly, but Harry didn't seem to notice and smiled even brighter. Peter smiled back at him but although his eyes crinkled a bit, it didn't seem entirely genuine.

Harry ran back to the table and took the drawing farthest away from the door, and proudly presented it to Sirius.

"Pa'fooo'," he exclaimed to tell the adults whom the drawing was meant for.

Sirius wasn't entirely sure what any of the drawings were supposed to be, but Harry was proud of them and wanted to give one of them to him, so he gave him a big grin with crinkled eyes and lines from his nose to his mouth.

Harry ran back to the table were the last drawing was. Sirius looked curiously at Harry and who that one was meant for, Harry looked around the room and looked between Peter and Sirius while pointing at the drawing. All Harry's features fell when he didn't see what he was looking for and the adults didn't understand what the problem was. Sirius had tried to understand what Harry was trying to say but only realised it a split-second before Harry told them verbally.

"Moo," said Harry disappointed. Harry's name for Remus sounded close to the name for his mom, but people like Sirius who spent much time with him could easily hear the difference. Sirius fell to his knees while being careful not to crinkle the drawing with the black and red lines in his hand, and waited until Harry had walked into his arms before talking.

"Moony is… he's sick right now." Harry looked at Sirius with big curious eyes but still with a small pouty lip, "So he needs some time to be healthy again."

Harry continued to stare at Sirius.

"Do you remember when you were a few months ago?"

Harry shook his head to Sirius' disappointment. Sometimes he forgot that Harry needed to be at least a couple years older to truthfully being able to say yes to that question.

"Well it means you don't feel well and need to stay in bed for a while."

"Moo," Harry said before saying something that sounded faintly like 'visit', and Sirius didn't know if he was happy or not that that was one of the words Harry could almost say by now.

"Yes, I'm sure Moony visit as soon as he can." Maybe Sirius shouldn't give Harry false hope. Where was Lily and James anyway? There was a reason that Sirius wasn't Harry's dad despite being sure he loved him at least nearly as much as James and Lily did.

Harry looked sadly down at the drawing and Sirius patted him on his back, "Want me to give it to Moony?"

Harry nodded, but needed to be sure Sirius knew how serious business this was before he could give the drawing away.

"Pa'fo" Harry said firmly as he pointed at the drawing in Sirius' hand and kept pointing and looking challenging at Sirius until Sirius got the message and nodded in understanding.

"Moon," said Harry and pointed at the drawing in his hand. Sirius was so caught off guard because of Harry's newfound ability to almost say Remus' nickname that he didn't nod fast enough for Harry liking.

"Moon!" He said while his eyebrows tried to meet in the middle.

"Yes of course, Moony's drawing."

"Pa'fo!" He said while once again pointing at the drawing in Sirius' hand.

"Yes, this in mine," Sirius lifted the drawing in his hand a bit, "and that one is Moony's."

"Moon." Harry repeated before he gave Sirius the drawing.

Peter was still looking at them when Sirius looked up at him.

"He really loves you," Peter said in a weird mixture of emotions neither Harry or Sirius understood.

"He loves you too," Sirius said truthfully.

Peter looked at the drawing he had received thoughtfully, "Yeah…"

Sirius gave Peter a lingering look as he stood up, "Peter, Harry, are you ready to go into the living room?" Harry put his hand in Sirius' and they walked away together and Sirius only took his eyes off the other man he saw he followed them out the room.

They were all sitting in the living room a few minutes later watching a children's show. Harry seemed very excited about it but Sirius imagined that was how an acid nightmare looked like.

"So, have you visited Remus?" Asked James in a low voice.

"No," Peter said, "I visited his apartment but he wasn't there."

Sirius thought it was a weak excuse. Peter knew Remus had been injured badly, not suffering from a cold.

"Have you even tried to find out where he is?" James asked horrified. Lily still looked at the screen but widened her eyes at the conversation she pretended not to listen in on.

"No," Peter told them with too little guilt for Sirius taste, "I haven't."

Sirius snarled, "He's at Hogwarts. Visit him."

Peter took an oddly horrified breath. Sirius loved Peter as a friend, but he couldn't stop finding him tremendously odd and kept searching for an answer to his behaviour, even after Peter sent him a look to stop staring. Sirius decided to look away when Harry let out loud squeal of delight at something in the TV. It wouldn't do if Harry noticed the tension. Thar poor child already lived with too much tension.

Sirius visited Hogwarts the next day. He was glad when Madam Pomfrey told him he just missed Peter. It was great his friend had visited Remus, but he was annoyed that he had to be told to do so when Remus was maybe on his deathbed.

Sirius couldn't decide if Remus looked better or worse than last time he had seen him. He was paler but with so red cheeks that they almost looked purple and his cheeks were sunk into his face, but Madam Pomfrey had clearly found a way to make the scars less like scars. They still looked like it and was hard to the touch when Sirius secretly let an anxious finger touch Remus' chest. Remus was so warm. Madam Pomfrey told him it was because of an infection that had taken a hold of him two days before Sirius' current visit, but Madam Pomfrey said they should count their blessings because it was a miracle it hadn't happened before. Sirius just hoped that a miracle would happen and the war would stop and Remus would be healthy again.

Sirius hated how the people around him changed as the war went on, but he also hated how some stayed the same. Sirius found himself wondering if really could trust Dumbledore. Not that he would admit it to anyone. The man was acting exactly as he had when he had been Sirius' headmaster. Back then the secrecy was accepted. It was annoying, yes, but even Sirius had understood that the headmaster couldn't tell a bunch of children everything. Nevertheless, Sirius wasn't a child anymore. He was an adult who had learned things, terrible things, and could take all the information Dumbledore could throw at him. Dumbledore also acted too happy for a man leading a group that was thinned out more and more because of the constant number of deaths. In the start, it had been nice to have someone who still smiled with crinkled eyes, in the same way it was to see Harry, but it was starting to get unsettling. Sirius still listened to him though, and didn't hesitate when he was ordered to look for information about the Death Eaters with Frank Longbottom. It was a dumb and useless mission. All the people they met either didn't know anything, anything new at least, or wasn't willing to share anything. Sirius didn't know if it was fear or they were into some shady business themselves, but he sometimes wished the Order was more liberal with how to get information, but he also respected them in some way. Snitching was probably some of the most cowardly he knew and withholding information while two powerful wizards was standing in front of you was a very brave thing to do. Even for Voldemort-loving snakes.

Sirius needed an outlet for his frustrations. The missions were all meaningless, Peter withdrew himself and was gone so often everyone in the Order had noticed but only few mentioned it, Frank and Alice were starting to seriously fear for their son, and Remus didn't seem to get any better. Remus had been asleep for almost a week but besides getting scars instead of open wounds every time Madam Pomfrey or Sirius could get a hold of some Dittany, there was no difference except the paling of his skin and the weight Remus couldn't take losing but still seemed to melt off like butter on a hot summer day. Sirius also hadn't seen him awake even once since he went under Madam Pomfrey's care. The only signs he was alive was his rising and falling chest and little noises, facial expressions, and small movements when the Sleeping Draught was almost out of his system and he felt intense amount of pain. It was only his imagination but Sirius imagined that Remus smiled when he described Harry's picture and with a Sticking Charm hanged it on the wall next to Remus' head.  
Remus already looked dead and would probably be soon, because although Sirius knew he would be dead already if she couldn't to make him drink and eat at all, Remus didn't get enough and his lips were cracked and his thinness was almost to the point of emaciation.

James and Lily asked about Remus in hushed voices every time Sirius visited. They couldn't say his name out loud anymore because Harry missed Remus and had already said his name so many times that he was able to say "Moony". Remus was only the person he had seen third most in his short life, but was obviously very important to Harry. It was such a heart-breaking day when Harry learned to say Remus' nickname correctly. Sirius almost wished he hadn't been visiting that day, but James and Lily maybe wouldn't have been strong enough to act happy when the proudness was overwhelmed by the sadness if Sirius hadn't been struggling with them. James and Lily could also complain after that that their child learned to say their friend's name before theirs in a tone that told Sirius much more than their words did. Harry also started to miss Peter, but not as much as he missed Remus. Peter had visited a lot once upon a time, but that was so long ago that Harry couldn't remember it. It was just as well. Sirius would probably shake Peter the next time he saw him. One thing was how little he visited the Potter, but another thing entirely was not visiting Remus, and Sirius knew Peter had only visited Remus that one time. He didn't even have to linger as long as Sirius had when he visited, just a quick visit to check if his friend was still alive was enough for both Sirius and Madam Pomfrey. Madam Pomfrey was professional as always, but had showed her option about the matter when she asked Sirius if Peter was hindered in some way of visiting Remus, and was very disappointed when Sirius told her that he didn't think there was one. Sirius couldn't blame her. The last time she had seen Peter, excluding his one visit to Remus after he was flayed, he had visited Remus with all his friends after Remus' last transformation as a Hogwarts student. A sad day for Remus and Madam Pomfrey who had developed a strong bond over Remus' seven years in her care. Sirius would even bet all his money that he saw Remus and Madam Pomfrey tear up a bit when Remus was released from the hospital ward.

Time passed. Both dreadfully slow and creepily fast. Missions, visits to Potter cottage and Hogwarts, worry, fear, nightmares. It all blurred together or went on forever. Death Eaters attacked an innocent family of three 10 days after Remus was assaulted, and the muggleborn mother that fought for her life with her halfblood husband and little girl at her feet fell so fast Sirius would have missed it if he blinked. On the other hand was Edgar Bones who fell in slow motion in front of Sirius' eyes when a stray spell from a Death Eater hit a heavy bookcase and it fell on Edgar. It had been a close call and scared Sirius shitless.

Sirius looked at the sky every night. The moon was waxing too quickly and Remus was recovering too slowly. Madam Pomfrey thought Remus would recover, not fully but hopefully close, if he survived the upcoming moon. Sirius wished with all might but if wishes were fishes we'd all swim in riches, so he didn't have the biggest hope. Remus wasn't even well enough to be allowed to get out of his drug-induced sleep and the full moon was only 2 days away when Sirius last visited him and he didn't know how Remus would recover so much more than he already had in just 2 days. Sirius would be there at the full moon, of course he would. Even if Dumbledore wanted him on a mission, he would be there, unlike what he would be allowed to be if Remus was awake when he made the decision. However, Sirius knew he wasn't almighty and wouldn't be able to do a thing if Remus died of the transformation. Besides being there for his friend so he wouldn't die alone. It didn't matter if Remus was a wolf while dying, Sirius would lick his wounds and just lay with him or whatever a dying werewolf liked.

Sirius visited Remus again the day before the full moon. He had to write to Dumbledore and was almost challenged to a dual by the new DADA teacher who thought he had broken into the school. Madam Pomfrey greeted him when he arrived to the hospital wing. She was treating a boy who Sirius vaguely remembered seeing being sorted into Ravenclaw 4 years prior. Sirius wanted to run into Remus' room but was afraid the Ravenclaw would see him go into the secret room. Madam Pomfrey seemed to have the same fear and hid the bed was a curtain as soon as the boy had been treated and was ordered to not even think about leaving the hospital wing before she deemed him well enough. She turned to Sirius and talked very quietly while going with him towards Remus' secret room.

"Mr. Pettigrew is in the room currently, please don't scare him away."

Sirius nodded half-heartedly.

"I mean it, Mr. Black," She looked at him with hardened eyes, "any kind of disturbances in my ward, especially around Lupin, and you will both be kicked out."

Sirius nodded more seriously. Madam Pomfrey searched something in Sirius but must have found it because she turned her back to him and left him in front of the door.

Sirius opened the door quietly. Not because he especially wanted to sneak in, but because he felt like it would be disrespectful to be loud while Remus was sleeping peacefully.

Sirius quietly closed the door and heard Peter quietly talk to Remus. He should probably say something to let Peter know he was there, but he was too nosey to let a change to hear what Peter said privately to Remus go to waste.

"… Please, Remus, don't." Sirius almost held his breath in order to hear Peter's quiet words better. "It will hurt so much if you do and I don't want anyone to hurt."

Sirius watched curiously as Peter kept begging Remus not to do something. Sirius didn't understand a word of it, but it seemed very important to Peter.

"You know too much and they will come for you, so please die quietly." Peter was about to say more when Sirius couldn't hold himself back any more.

"Remus is _not_ going to die, _Peter_." Sirius almost growled Peter's name.

"Sirius?" Peter asked fearfully looking like he was looking directly at the Grim.

"I will kill you if you ever say something like that again," Sirius said in a calm but haunting voice. He didn't even know if he was kidding or not.

"Pl-pl-please don't," Peter said while pressing himself closer to the wall in an attempt to get away from Sirius, "I don't want to die."

"Then stop wishing for your friends to die. No one knows Moony is here and we will protect him when he's out."

Peter looked away from Sirius and down to his fiddling hands, "Even though he's the traitor?"

Sirius took a hold of the bedframe to ground himself and stop himself from doing something he would regret.

"Why would they hurt their own?"

"Maybe he didn't want to betray us anymore or," Peter looked at Sirius' stormy eyes and stopped what he was saying, "I have to go."

"Peter," Sirius called after him while trying to catch a hold of Peter as he slipped by. Sirius was about to go out the door after Peter, but was stopped by a sound from the bed.

"Moony, are you awake?"

There was no answer, but the fact that he moved his head when Sirius touched his hair was proof that the Sleeping Draught was starting to get out of his system.

"You don't have to worry, Moony, I will stay with you tonight." Sirius leaned down and whispered to Remus even though he knew that Remus was still too far away in dreamland to hear anything, "I'll wait in the Shack for Madam Pomfrey to leave. Just like old times."

Sirius sent Remus a mischievous smile as the werewolf grunted in response. Much of his body was wrapped in skin again. Hard skin like the bottom of some people's feet, but skin just the same. Sirius wasn't sure how mobile Remus would be with such tough skin around all his joints, but Sirius was just glad that Remus could move his limbs and not be afraid to open the wounds unless he should hurt his shins, thighs, or any other non-bending part of his body. Sirius would have liked if all of Remus' body had skin, but at least his whole chest, back, neck, and joints was.

Sirius had to leave at noon when Madam Pomfrey ordered him to eat something. He would have visited the kitchen but feared he would die if McGonagall saw him lurking around again. She couldn't give him detentions anymore, but she still had the strongest hold of Sirius, no matter how little that meant considering who he was.

Sirius visited the Three Broomsticks and got an okay meal from Madam Rosmerta. The inn was busy as always but far less crowded without all the Hogwarts students that visited in the Hogmeads weekends, and Rosmerta found the time to catch up with Sirius. She was over 10 years older than Sirius but he knew of his own charm and let himself bath in her interest in him. Given, it had probably also something to do with her being curious about everyone she hadn't seen in a long time and seeing Sirius without James was a sight not many was used to. She also seemed almost concerned that he refused to drink more than a single glass of Firewhisky, but he knew he could neither look after a werewolf while drunk nor tell her the reason.

Sirius left an hour before sundown to hide in the Shrieking Shack. He was no longer a schoolboy but although he was almost certain Dumbledore knew of James, Peter, and Sirius being animagi, he didn't want anyone to know that his friends and he had done something so illegal.

Sirius only had to wait in the Shack for half an hour before he heard Pomfrey arrive in the shack. It worried Sirius had he could only hear her footsteps. How was Remus supposed to survive two transformations plus further injuries if he couldn't even walk? Was he even awake? Sirius hoped so with all his heart but didn't dare looking because like he had been told time and time again, if you can see them, they can see you.

Sirius got the answer to one of his questions when he heard Madam Pomfrey talking and Remus answering in a very quiet and pained voice, but nonetheless, he was answering and it meant he was at least awake. Sirius understood why Madam Pomfrey was reluctant to leave, but he wished she would leave imminently so Sirius could see Remus and if necessary try to convince him that it was for the best that Sirius was present. Remus was weird like that and had even as a schoolboy tried to convince the others they shouldn't be with him at the fullmoon until months after they all became animagi. Minutes passed and she didn't seem to leave fast enough. Sirius didn't know if it was for the best that Remus knew he was there if Sirius didn't have at least 10 minutes to calm Remus down from seeing Sirius there when he was unwanted. Because as much as Sirius knew Remus was grateful when Sirius or anyone did something for him, Remus always thought all unexpected help was unwanted. Especially if it had something to do with his lycanthropy.

Madam Pomfrey left at the last moment and Remus' transformation began just a minute or two later. It was horrible. Sirius hadn't dared to agitate Remus with his presence without time to reassure Remus it would be okay. Remus yelled and it cut into Sirius' heart as it always did. Sirius always told himself 'this time is the worst one', but at least he had been allowed to lick his cheek as Padfoot and make the pain just a tiny bit more bearable. But he couldn't lick any wounds or distract Remus when they were in different rooms and Sirius let himself cry while he waited for the screaming to turn into howling.

Moony howled loudly. It sounded almost like he was calling after Padfoot, maybe he was, and Sirius quickly changed into a dog before the werewolf found him. He quickly trotted towards the sound of Moony's howling and was met with him on the halfway. He was bleeding badly but didn't seem to notice. The only thing important to him was that Padfoot was with him and hadn't been for a long time. Moony kept changing between wanting to show how happy he was to see his friend and growling at him. Padfoot tried to get a closer look at the big wounds all over his body where the scars, hard skin, and skinless flesh broke under the pressure of suddenly being forced to surround a different, bigger body. He was even more aggressive than normally but he also moved lethargically. Sirius told himself that it a leftover potion that was at fault, but his heart clenched when he saw the amount of blood the werewolf was losing.

Moony didn't understand any of that and became so frustrated he began chewing on his foreleg. Padfoot ran around him in anxious circles in an attempt to make him stop and gently bit Moony's backside when the circles didn't work. Moony was anxious too and looked for both the other two members of the small pack he was a part of when he last transformed in the Shrieking Shack and Greyback's pack although he liked them far less than he liked Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs.

It was a long night and Remus was bleeding heavily when he transformed back, but he was breathing and Pomfrey came into the Shack almost the second the moon went down. Sirius barely had time to hide before he was seen. She must have run from the castle before the moon was fully down.

Sirius wanted to see Remus as soon as possible, but knew he couldn't come right away. Madam Pomfrey needed some time to heal Remus. Sirius promised himself he would wait 20 minutes and then sneak into the Hospital Wing but the draining night caught up to him and forced him into a restless sleep.


	3. Amputate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit starts to seriously go down around Sirius.

Sirius woke up a couple hours later with a stiff neck. It took him several seconds to remember where he was and why he was in the Shrieking Shack. He jumped on his feet as soon as he remembered the events from the day before and ran as fast as he could towards the Hospital Wing. Sirius didn't register any students as he ran, but he could probably have run into one and barely noticed it so it wasn't saying anything about the number of students.

Madam Pomfrey ran into the main ward when she heard Sirius open the door with a bang.

"Is he okay? Tell me he's okay, Madam Pomfrey," Sirius said helplessly.

Madam Pomfrey relaxed when she realised Sirius was simply worried about Remus and there wasn't any gravely injured students or ex-students for her to look at. "Yes, Mr. Lupin will recover, but he needs rest right now."

Sirius looked defeated at her. He didn't want to give in but he was too tired to fight with her on it. He was about to go out the door when Madam Pomfrey stopped him.

"Is that blood, Mr. Black?"

Sirius looked down at himself and saw that he was bleeding through his T-shirt and trousers. Not seriously, but enough to catch Madam Pomfrey's notice.

"Yes." Sirius suddenly got an idea about how he could stay close to Remus. "I better get home so I can look at it."  
Sirius glanced at her but she looked expressionless. He mentally sighed before continuing, "Can you tell me any spells to stop the bleeding in case it gets worse again?"

"Have they been healed already?" asked Madam Pomfrey curiously, as she finally took Sirius' bait.

"Yes, I tried my best," Sirius lied, hoping she wouldn't see through his lie.

"Sit on a bed," Madam Pomfrey ordered. Sirius tried to look reductant and hide his glee but didn't completely succeed. Madam Pomfrey sent him a look that told him she had seen the little skip in his step too but kept quiet about it.

"Do I want to know what happened?" She asked as she looked at the cuts and gashes on Sirius' arms and soon after his torso as he took his shirt off.

"No," He answered and hoped that Moony had only hit him and not bitten him. The injury would be just as bad either way, but it would be hard to find an explanation to what had bitten him. Especially since he wouldn't turn furry in 29 days.

Madam Pomfrey probably suspected something when the cuts wouldn't heal completely, especially since she not only had dealt with such injuries after almost every full moon for 7 years in the past, she had also just dealt with them a couple of hours ago. Luckily, she only huffed disgruntled at the cuts and wrapped the bigger gashes in gauze. Sirius was then ordered to sleep in one of the beds in the ward and only disturb her again if he or Remus was dying, but her harsh look also told him that she would kill him herself if either of them knocked on Death's door without her knowledge.

Sirius stayed several days in the Hospital Wing. Both to be closer to Remus and because his stubborn injuries didn't want to heal after Madam Pomfrey's standards. The students looked suspiciously at him when they walked into the Hospital Wing with injuries of their own or to drop a damaged friend off. Sirius tried not to be bothered by it but it was unnerving to feel their eyes on him when he was laying in his own bed or had to be outside Remus' room because while Madam Pomfrey tended to his injuries.

Remus had been put in a constant sleep the first 20 hours after the full moon but was at last allowed to be out of it and could in what felt like forever actually answer Sirius when he was in the room. He had been giving Sirius the silent treatment for heedlessly coming to Remus' rescue two times without thinking about his own safety, but Remus couldn't stay mad at him and they were talking and laughing before long. Sirius felt like he was getting to know Remus again. He had been suspicious about Remus before the attack and had therefore snapped and ignored him for months but he couldn't think of Remus as the traitor anymore. James, Lily, and Harry said 'hi' too through the two-way mirror and Remus looked like he was close to crying when Harry shouted his nickname perfectly and pointed excitedly at the wall when he recognised the drawing on the wall next to Remus.

Remus recovered slowly but had a hard time moving his limbs, he couldn't even hold a quill with his stiff fingers, and would have to stay in bed until after the next full moon, but he would recover eventually. James offered to house him because of the fear that whoever hurt him would find him again. Especially while he was still weak. Remus of course declined the offer but was persuaded to surrender to the wish by James, Sirius, and Lily. He quickly promised to leave as soon as he was recovered and that they could tell him to leave any time "I'm a grown man" he told them, but it was still a victory for Sirius and the Potters.

Dumbledore wasn't pleased that Sirius was out of duty for so long, and he was the only reason Sirius wasn't allowed to stay at Hogwarts longer than he did. Madam Pomfrey was a strict woman who would normally hold on to her patients until _she_ saw it fit to release them, but even she could not deny her employer when he wished for Sirius to be released.

His apartment felt foreign and forlorn. He had barely been in it for weeks, the air was stale, and he really needed to clean it soon. Not today though. He opened his window to get some fresh air in but he didn't have the energy to do anything else. Every day was hard. Smiling for James and Lily who was slowly going crazy with cabin fever, smiling for Harry who was still childishly ignorant and should be for as long as possible, and smiling for Remus who in return smiled the best he could through the pain. Sirius was vaguely remembering he should be worried about Peter, but the anger because of Peter's lack of loyalty and friendship clouded that feeling.

Sirius woke up the next day on his sofa. His feet were cold and a couple of raindrops were travelling through the open window. Sirius walked grumpily to the window and closed it. Almost an hour passed with eating and dressing before his mood got better.

The people in the streets acted normally. The weather quickly got sunnier and the rain stopped. A double rainbow decorated the sky, but Sirius had an odd feeling that today wouldn't be good. No days were good anymore but the feeling was nagging him and he felt it all the way down in his stomach.

The Hogwarts students still looked at him, as he walked passed but not as much as before. A Slytherin student was hurrying out of the infirmary when Sirius arrived but he didn't pay him much mind. The boy looked suspicious and nervous but Sirius thought Slytherins always looked that way.

Sirius looked around the empty room but couldn't see Madam Pomfrey anywhere. He looked around but she wasn't anywhere in the ward and didn't answer when he knocked on the door to her office. Sirius shrugged and decided he could live with her yelling at him for not asking for permission before visiting Remus. He looked around the room one last time before opening the door to the secret one. It wouldn't do to have anyone creeping in and disturbing Remus. Except Sirius, of course.

"Hey Moony," Sirius greeted his friend while he closed the door.

"You asleep or just not answering?" Sirius continued when he didn't get an answer. He turned away from the door to look at Remus, and froze at the sight that met him.

There was so much blood. Not as much blood as one would expect from such an injury, but Remus had already lost so much blood lately and probably hadn't had enough to make such a crime scene. However, it had still coloured the white sheets and pillow bright red.

Remus' skin was so pale that it was translucent and his eyes were half-lidded but abnormally dull, but the only thing that Sirius could see was the amount of blood that must have come from somewhere on his neck. The next thing he noticed was that he couldn't see any movement from Remus.

Sirius took three long steps and felt Remus' wrist. He could weep when he felt a pulse pumping away. The neck didn't seem to bleed anymore, but Sirius was in too big of a panic to be sure of anything and let go of the wrist in order to hold the neck as firmly as he could without strangling Remus. The only thing keeping him from a panic attack was how he could feel a pulse on Remus' neck.

"MADAM POMFREY! HELP!" Sirius yelled as loudly as he could.

"Don't worry, Remus, she will be back soon and fix you up," Sirius told Remus in a soft tone, but it made no difference since Remus didn't even stir at Sirius' yell.

"POMFREY! POMFREY! HELP! MADAM POMFREY!" Sirius kept repeating as loudly as possible.

He didn't know how much time passed before Madam Pomfrey almost broke the door in her haste to get into the room and see what had Sirius so panicked. She too froze at the door when she saw Remus, but after half a second almost flew over the floor in small, quick steps until she reached Remus and Sirius.

"He's alive. I can feel his pulse," Sirius exclaimed relieved at seeing her.

Madam Pomfrey barely felt Remus' wrist and strangely enough Sirius' too before answering, "No, you can't."

"Yes, I can. It's right under my fingers!"

"No, Mr. Black, you," She tried to swallow her grief, "You can feel your own pulse."

"No! Don't say that!" Sirius' hands fell from Remus' neck like a puppet that got its string cut before he roughly took a hold of Remus and cradled his entire torso while his legs still lay on the bed. "You have to safe him!"

"Mr. Bla… Sirius," she corrected herself. "He's gone."

"NO! He can't be." A sob found its way out of Sirius' mouth. "He survived. He survived so much! Help him!"

Madam Pomfrey took a step closer to Sirius and gently closed Remus' eyes as she tried to conceal her sorrow. "He was gone before either of us entered the room."

Sirius jerked at her words and accidently jolted Remus in the process. His head fell back in a sickening angle and Madam Pomfrey hurriedly supported his head before the gash on his neck grew. Sirius didn't understand her words. Remus couldn't die. He simply couldn't, but his eyes wouldn't leave the gash as it closed and no longer showed the inside of Remus' throat.

Sirius didn't notice anything beside the gash surrounded by white skin coloured by red blood. His breath quickened and he began to see black around the edges. Pomfrey called his name. Both his last and given name but he could barely hear her over the loud ringing in his ears.

Sirius pulled Remus entirely off the bed and started rocking Remus' limp form in a tight, suffocating grip. Madam Pomfrey knew she should probably stop him immediately but she didn't have the heart to do so when Sirius was so distraught and Remus looked almost like he was sleeping as his head fell towards and rested on Sirius' chest and Sirius had an arm under his knees and back. Even his arms looked relaxed as one of them were squished between Sirius' and Remus' bodies with the hand resting where his rip case began and the other arms was limply swinging at his side as Sirius moved.

"Shh, Remus, it will be okay. You're okay. Don't cry, Moony. Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony…" Sirius sounded like a record player but he couldn't stop the words no matter how much or how little sense they made.

Sirius' breath started to get even quicker and shallower and Madam Pomfrey left the room but Sirius only had eyes for Remus.

"Come back. Come back to me, Moony. We need you. Moony, Moony, Moony, you can be a ghost. I don't care, just come back. Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moon-"

Sirius was interrupted in his chant by a potion being forced down his throat.

Sirius fell asleep almost instantly and the last thing he saw before sleep took its grip of him was Madam Pomfrey saving both he and Remus from falling to the ground.

Remus didn't come back as a ghost or as anything else for that matter. He stayed a corpse. Stayed dead. Dumbledore wanted Sirius to be out fighting already, but Moody told him that Sirius would kill himself in a minute. Sirius was instead locked in with the Potter's until the funeral. Lily, James, and he all tried to smile at Harry and cry when the toddler was sleeping or go into their bedrooms if they couldn't stop it when Harry was awake. Harry cried too. Not always but he at times felt the grief-stricken atmosphere and he cried for a whole day when they first told him that "Moony will never be back". He asked them about Remus every day. Sometimes he cried and sometimes he started a temper tantrum after they answered never. Luckily both reactions never exceeded half an hour.

The funeral itself was unreal. James and Lily saw it through the two-way mirror while Harry took his 11 o'clock nap. Almost all of the Order came among with a lot of old Hogwarts students who wasn't in the Order and a few of Remus' family members paid their respects too. Molly and Arthur Weasley was there too with the six terrible terrors and their red sea of hair morbidly reminded Sirius of Remus' last moments. Sirius hadn't seen Molly in the sunlight for a long time. She had always been a part of the Order no matter the amount of children she and her husband brought into the World, but she had been more behind the planning than the execution of missions since she got pregnant with her next youngest and she now stood with another life in her stomach while Remus' had just ended.

It was sad really. Remus had tried to keep his head down almost all his life and was convinced he was only in the way for most of the people he met and yet so many came rushing when they heard the news. Yet there was no Peter.

Peter was lucky that Sirius wouldn't just leave the funeral both for Remus' and the grieving Potters' sake. Otherwise he would be beating some sense into him just after he had broken into the Slytherin common room and punished everyone that just resembled the little snake that left the Hospital Wing just as Sirius entered, because it had to be him or her who did it. Who else could have killed Remus in the time it took Madam Pomfrey to run down to the Qudditch pitch, heal a broken arm, and run back? Sirius knew the answer and had been ready to act on it if he hadn't been placed in the Potter Cottage with no way of escaping until the funeral.

He just didn't know how any of the students knew of the _secret_ room that Remus had been lying in. Who knows, maybe Madam Pomfrey used the room for more students after Remus graduated, but it would still didn't explain how anyone knew there was someone in there. Both he and Madam Pomfrey had been careful if there was anyone in the room. Sirius had even waited several times for students to be healed before he was allowed to open the door.

Sirius looked over at Madam Pomfrey, McGonagall, and Dumbledore and wondered who was ready to heal the dumb students who walked around and hexed each other in the hallways while the matron and the only two current professors who Sirius knew was decent healers. Sirius felt like he should be surprised to see Madam Pomfrey cry so openly while McGonagall had a firm but loving arm around her shoulders. He should especially be surprised when he had seen that Madam Pomfrey had only been able to hold in the tears in until right before the ceremony in the church began, but he wasn't. Besides, Remus' father, Lyall Lupin, had cried long before anyone had arrived at the church.

The silly drawing Harry drew for Remus laid comfortable in the casket among with a few flowers. The lid was closed so no one could see it but Sirius knew it was there just like there were flowers on top of the casket from many of Remus' loved ones. Sirius among with a few of the other Order members and Remus' grieving father would have carried the casket but Lyall cried too much and someone else took over while he followed the casket like a devastated duckling reaching for the casket with both arms but keeping himself just out of reach. It was a pathetic sight, but Sirius felt indifferent.

He knew Lyall had loved his son more than anything in the World but he was surprised how openly Lyall showed it that day. Sirius wondered briefly if Lyall would kill himself now that he had lost both his wife and his child and how long it would be before he offed himself. Probably not long. A year tops. It was a morbid thought, but Sirius felt neither hatred nor care for the man who had made the life of Sirius' friend so difficult both before and after the bite but who Sirius had understood, after seeing him a couple of times, loved his son dearly. Enough to take care of and protect despite being something he had wished death upon before.

The casket was being lowered with the Levitation Charm from Sirius and a few others. One wizard could easily do it alone but it was both tradition and good to be on the safe side in case one gets hit with sudden tears or something. He didn't see who he was doing it with and he suspected that they too was more focused on doing it right than seeing who they were doing it with, when tragedy struck.

Death Eaters were storming in firing spells from left to right. The casket fell the last distant with a loud sound. Sirius would have winced if he too wasn't turning around to defend himself and the untrained wizards who had come to pay their respects. Sirius didn't understand how they knew both the day and the place Remus was being buried. The time too. Half an hour earlier and the Order could have used the church as cover and hide the ones who couldn't defend themselves.

'The traitor', Sirius realised. Whoever it was had told them about the funeral to kill off the Order at their most vulnerable. He or she could also have told where Remus was being healed. A fury consumed all Sirius' logical senses and he started to fight furiously without a care about his own safety. They would pay. Pay for all the deaths on Sirius' side, for all the dead civilians, for all the fear, and most of all, for killing and ruining the last goodbye to Remus.

The Death Eaters were strong magic wielders and matched the Order perfectly but the Death Eaters only had to protect themselves while the Order had to protect frightened people with no fighting experience, but Sirius didn't care anymore. He would care for every death after the fight, if he survived, but for now he was the most dangerous kind of soldier. Because a well-trained soldier was alarming, a brave soldier was frightening, but a soldier with no fear of death was the most terrifying thing in the world.

Spells flew and several almost hit Sirius. Death Eaters and Order members cried out in pain but no one was helping anyone. Helping meant not defending yourself and that was a very high price to pay, and although Sirius was willing to pay that price, he didn't even think of doing it.

A Death Eater was laughing loudly. She had the usual mask on, but Sirius had no doubt who she was. The wild hair and a laughter that sounded more like a hateful shout than a joyful exclamation to the World could only mean one person. Sirius forgot everything. He forgot the people around him, forgot they had been interrupted in a funeral, he even forgot he was a wizard. It was because of the last fact that he jumped towards her and let his violent side take over. Bellatrix was surprised as she fell to the ground and didn't have a single second to collect herself before her head got smacked into the ground and a fist met her face.

Sirius kept hitting her until she had long since lost consciousness. Sirius centred all his anger on her and his anger blinded him from everything else until he was hit by a spell and everything turned dark.

Sirius woke up in St Mungo's. He didn't ask what had hit him or when he would be out. Only what happened after he passed out. Edgar visited the day after the funeral and told Sirius that they fought for a long time until backup came. Edgar didn't know who called it or how it was called but the Death Eaters fled the scene when they saw they were outnumbered and many of their own hurt. The only captured Death Eater was Bellatrix, who died of the injuries she obtained from Sirius before Madam Pomfrey could do anything for her. Sirius didn't say it, but he was sure Edgar knew how little Sirius cared that his cousin was dead at his hands.

The Order had also left after the danger was over and everyone injured was admitted to St Mungo's. Molly and Arthur had hid their children and all the non-fighting people they could find in their haste in the church and made sure no Death Eaters would enter. Sirius felt like he should have been angry with them for not fighting but it saved the Order from thinking of protecting the ones they'd hid. He also understood why they couldn't fight while Molly was not only very, very pregnant, but their oldest was only 11 and their youngest son was Harry's age and all their children could obviously neither flee nor protect themselves. The important part of it was that they had covered Remus' grave and let him rest in peace after the fight. And Sirius hoped Remus was resting after a lifetime of fear and guilt over the things that either didn't matter or should have been his regardless of him being a werewolf or not, on top of being pretty much penurious since he was a small child.

Edgar also told Sirius that he had another funeral to attend in the near future. This time for Marlene McKinnon. Sirius had stared at his hands for so long that Edgar asked him if he had heard what he said, when Sirius started crying unstoppably. It got so bad that Edgar called after a healer and Sirius got some kind of potion to calm him down.

* * *

James was sad. So was Lily. And Harry, probably. Frank and Alice too. Everyone was sad and although Peter wasn't officially blacklisted, Sirius hadn't seen him in forever. Maybe he somehow knew Sirius had figured it out and had told Dumbledore his suspicion about who was the traitor. Dumbledore didn't seem entirely convinced that he was or wasn't but agreed Sirius had some good arguments and would look into it. Sirius hadn't heard anything else since then, but hoped that Dumbledore meant it and had sent someone to spy on Peter or would force feed him Veritaserum or something.

Thankfully, Marlene's funeral was a silent matter compared to the one the week before. The McKinnon family cried loudly and some other did too while the Order just looked on with dead eyes. They had all cried so much in the last months that tears seemed far away sometimes. James and Lily had also looked at this funeral through the two-way mirror but had to 'hang up' when Harry wouldn't stop talking.

It felt like just yesterday they were all stupid kids. When being called a traitor was an endearing remark and a spy was someone who hid under the invisibility cloak to find out stupid things for a prank. Pranks. Sirius missed them. There was no time for pranks now. They were always plotting but it was with Dumbledore and both a failed and a successful plot could mean someone died. And back then, an untrustworthy person would tell everyone your crush or something stupid like that, not how or when to kill someone. No, Sirius corrected himself, _that_ had been like it was now. The only difference was that they only feared for Remus' life back then, and now they would never have to worry about him ever again. Sirius wanted to worry about Remus again and be able to connect further with both James and Peter after a bad moon with just a single look. At least that had meant Remus was alive and he had people to rely on.

Sirius didn't know if he hoped Peter was the traitor. On one hand it would end some of the fear he had for James, Lily, and Harry, but on the other hand, it would mean that little, innocent Peter who needed protection and reassurance had betrayed them even though they had given him all that and more. Maybe James and Sirius had been thoughtless around him like they were thoughtless around everyone, but they had tried and they had _liked_ Peter. They had always loved Peter like a _brother_. Sirius still loved Peter like a brother, but he would never forgive a friend for such betrayal and causing the death of another friend directly or indirectly. The strange words at Remus' bedside in the Hospital Wing, jumpiness, and avoidance made too much sense not mean something. It was Peter. Of course it was Peter, but as much as Sirius wanted to rip Peter limb for limb, he didn't know where he would find him. Peter had never been the quickest quill, but he was not as stupid as many people, and often Sirius, believed him to be. Surely, he was hiding as a rat somewhere and even Sirius' animagus wouldn't be able to easily find Peter out of every rat in England.

Sirius just didn't understand why Peter would do such a thing. Peter had idolised James and to a degree Sirius, and Sirius suspected that Peter and Remus had some quiet-friendship-thing that neither James nor Sirius would have been able to achieve. He had at least seen Remus and Peter together when James and Sirius had been out playing quidditch or something else they did alone. Sirius would have been able to understand it better if Peter had targeted him, Sirius, instead of James, who almost shat rainbows according to Peter, and Remus, with unlimited patience when helping Peter with homework. James was the coolest guy Sirius would ever know and knew how to take charge like a good leader, and Remus had been so smart and innocent in a werewolfish way, and so good and moral. Sirius didn't really know how he had ever convinced himself Remus was the traitor. Remus who didn't even have the courage to correct his friends when they did something wrong against others but always looked so pained when they did. So incredibly insecure but _good._ Better than any non-werewolves Sirius knew, or any of the other werewolves Sirius knew of for that matter.

Sirius still remembered the look in Remus' eyes when the other had talked to him for the first time. They had appeared to be sparkling, which Sirius had not known eyes could even do. However, that was nothing compared to when he realised the others was talking to him because they wanted to, not because they had to or wanted something other than his companionship. It was over a month after they had met but all Sirius' irritation with the boy, who had refused to tell them where he had gone twice in the time they had shared a room at that point, had disappeared when he saw those eyes light up. He knew even then that they had and would almost never light up like that again, but they were more powerful than any lighthouse when they did.

Sirius loved all his friends and although he acted tough, he liked almost every person he met who didn't instantly scowl at him. It had sadly been a very small number of people when he started Hogwarts. He was a Black in Gryffindor and it didn't help that he wasn't in the best place mentally in his first while in Hogwarts. It put a lot of people off and he could still feel some of the negativity ten years later, but even he couldn't shake off how unfair it was that Remus had been refused happiness of any kind for so long. Remus only got to enjoy it between the moments of pain and guilt when he was at school and guilt, pain, and parents who was afraid to touch him when he was not. He even had moments where he was sad at school despite neither feeling guilty nor being in physical pain.

Sirius remembered when all the Marauders sat in their dorms one night in second year and talked. The conversation had turned to their lives before Hogwarts. Both Sirius and Remus had been quiet, but Sirius at least had some things he wanted to share. Remus said nothing. They talked about family. James talked and talked. Peter said more than he usually did and Sirius came with a few comments about his horrible family but talked fondly about his uncle Alphard and his cousin Andromeda. Remus said a bit, but nothing they didn't already know. He had a father, a mother, and no siblings. Nothing more. Just cold hard facts with no feelings either way. James had asked hesitantly if he had any cousins and he said no, but his eyes told them all he was lying through his teeth. Sirius thought it was very strange and felt a bit sorry for Remus. If even he, the white sheep in the herd of Blacks, could tell some good things about his family, how bad must Remus had had it to not be able to do that? Sirius hadn't met Remus' parents back then and he had only seen Remus' father once at Platform 9¾, but he understood now why Remus hadn't wanted to talk about his family with grandparents who hated him for being halfblood and an aunt who hated him for being a werewolf and being constantly terrified of what his mother's side thought of him with all their muggle psychology and comments about him being too skinny and skittish.

The Marauders had soon switched to old friends. Again James gave a long monolog that seemed more of a soliloquy, Peter proudly told the others of his old friends that he visited when he was home, and Sirius told some details about the few "well-bred" children he had been able to stand throughout his childhood. Remus had kept quiet but then came with a long speech about his old friends he had grown away from Hogwarts. It seemed plausible and Sirius just enjoyed his friend talking freely until he saw two of the names Remus spoke of on the cover of the book on Remus' bedside. Remus admitted all the names he had said was from the book when Sirius asked and looked so ashamed Sirius became so incredibly sad there wasn't enough space in his head to also be confused. It was especially bad when Peter made Remus squirm and clarify that the Marauders was Remus' first and only friends ever. That was Remus' happy years and even that happiness was taken from him again when they graduated and the war was looming ominously everywhere any of them looked.

Remus would have been spared from so much if he had died when he was bitten or died of his injuries after the Snape incident, but Sirius was selfish and was glad his friend hadn't died then, but even Sirius wasn't so selfish he didn't think, just a little, that it would have been better if Remus died when he was flayed. Maybe just as they had begun. Or he could have died when Sirius had found him. Then he wouldn't have suffered for long but more importantly, he wouldn't have died alone.

When Sirius thought of him he always saw him broken and frail, covered in blood. Either in the Scottish forest or in the hospital bed, but when Sirius slept he saw a small, thin, high-strung boy with a friendly smile and haunting eyes. He felt so protective of that little boy, just like he did towards Harry, but he couldn't protect either of them and it broke his heart.

* * *

Sirius became very aggressive when fighting. Moody had attached Sirius to a chair with his wand far away from him for several hours in the hope that it would work on Sirius as if he was just a naughty child that was sent to his room. Sadly, it did not. Neither did shouting or making Sirius run drills. Sirius knew Dumbledore would have discharged Sirius if he could, but he already had a too small number of people in his army, and instead sent Sirius to do stakeouts.

Sirius hadn't been involved in many stakeouts before because of his impatient behaviour and excellent fighting skills that was more suited for battle, but he knew the drill and he could together with ever changing partners report to Dumbledore the activities without any fatalities.

It was at one of those stakeouts that he saw a rat. A fat, brownish, greyish rat that darted in front of him. Sirius completely forgot, that he was supposed to keep quiet and chased the rat across the grass. It was faster than Sirius but not by much. They reached a forest and Sirius thought for a horrible second that he had lost the rat but quickly saw it again and chased it for a couple of meters until it he was sure there weren't anyone nearby to see him change into his Animagus form. Sirius ran far quicker as a dog and soon caught up to the rat. It let out a long and loud squeak in distress as it was held down by a big paw. Sirius would have smiled devilishly if he was in his human form but he feared the rat would just run away as soon as he changed and it all would have been for nought. Sirius looked down at the rat. It would be so easy to just press his paw down until the fragile rips gave out, but he was tired of fearing and wanted Peter to confess so there wasn't any more 'what ifs' regarding the identity of the spy.

Sirius saw a rock on his left and lifted it in his mouth and harshly put it down on the rat's tail. He wasn't sure if he broke the tail but it would be easier to forgive himself if Peter turned out to be innocent with a broken tail than if Peter was the traitor and ran away because he could just pull his tail from under the rock. At least now he would also have to turn into a human before running and as fast as Peter was as a rat, he was probably the slowest member of any secret organisation when human. Any slower and Harry would have been able to run faster on his chubby, toddler legs.

Sirius turned into his human form once more and pointed his wand at the distressed rat. He wasn't sure if he could do the spell correctly but smiled when he saw the blue and white flash. It was so powerful that he involuntarily closed his eyes but opened them again and felt the disappointment in his whole being as he was still looking at a rat. He tried the spell again but nothing. That was just as well. Sirius wasn't afraid to scare the human form out of Peter.

He took a hold of the rat and shook it while shouting, "Turn back, Peter, I know it's you and you know I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty."

The rat squeaked again and tried to bite Sirius' hand. Sirius quickly thrusted his wand against the rat's throat. Both to prevent it from biting and as a threat.

"What the hell do you think you are doing, Womtail? You have exactly 2 seconds to turn back and explain yourself."

The rat just wiggled as much as it could in Sirius' hand, which wasn't a lot but enough to catch Sirius' attention.

"If you think I'm going to let you go just like that, then you are dumber than I thought."

Sirius tightened his grip and the rat started to squeaked louder and in such a high-pitched voice that Sirius' ears started to hurt. He looked confused at the rat until he felt something snap in it at it let out another squeak and wiggle before it laid limp in his hand.

"Wormtail?" Sirius asked panicky, "Come on, that's not funny."

Sirius removed his wand from the rat and shook it to wake it up but its head just nodded at the movements.

Sirius pointed his wand at it again but this time without jabbing it into the rat's throat.

"Rennervate."

Nothing happened.

"Rennervate!" He tried again, but the rat was still laying limp in his hand.

Sirius was sure he had just killed Peter until he realised that an Animagus changed into its original form when killed. He had tried to interrogate a normal rat. He had left his stakeout mission to question a fucking rat. He threw the rat deep into the forest and took a painful hold of his hair as he yelled out his frustrations.


	4. Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Action, action, cry a bit, and action

Dumbledore still couldn't afford losing any members of the Order, but he still discharged Sirius for the time being. No one knew for how long because he was only told he could return when or if he got a better hold of his emotions. Dumbledore obviously didn't believe Sirius when he said he was chasing Peter. He probably thought Sirius was either crazy or just looking for an excuse when he finally admitted that Peter could turn into a rat. Sirius cursed Peter for being so useless at everything that no one believed that he had succeeded in learning such a difficult self-transfiguration.

Dumbledore was right in his notion that Sirius was unstable, but Sirius had been unstable ever since he was born, so that wasn't reason enough to suddenly deem Sirius unable to help any of them. At least there was a silver lining, or so Dumbeldore called it, since Sirius was still allowed and expected to come to the Order of the Phoenix meetings.

Sirius was very bitter about his new less than desired position in the Order, but he couldn't complain about it to anyone. The other Order members looked at him with pained eyes, Lily did the same, and James told him that he should be happy he was even able to walk around _and_ be a part of the meetings unlike the Potters and Longbottoms.

Sirius knew he was being insufferable. James and Lily didn't say so, but they sighed too deeply to not be irritated by him, and that was saying something because he was the only person, except maybe Dumbledore, who visited them. He had to visit them. Both to make sure they had food and because he needed them to not go completely insane. The Order was too busy to reassure him, especially since he was taken out of action and therefore was only welcome to the general meetings and not any of the specific plans. Peter probably knew Sirius wouldn't act too kindly if he saw him and was hiding somewhere, and Sirius had only visited Remus at the first full moon after his passing.

Sirius snickered when he thought of the poor souls who saw him. Stupid Death-Eater-looking teenagers who probably didn't even have the guts to kill a fly and at least one of them literally pissed himself when he saw the Grim starring at them with piercing eyes in front of a grave. He hoped they thought he was checking up on his latest victim and they thought they would be the next ones. Sirius refused to believe he had ever been capable of such disrespect to the deceased no matter what age he was and no matter Lily told him when he told the story to Lily and James.

Months passed since Remus was attacked. The leaves turned brown and yellow and eventually fell to the ground, but Sirius had still not cleaned his apartment. It was truly disgusting by then and he longed for his Hogwarts days were there was house elves to clean up after him. He technically had the time now but all his energy was used on the Potters or finding Peter. Sirius had wanted to find the people who had skinned Remus, but he had to admit to himself it was a lost cause since he didn't even know if it actually was some from Greyback's pack or "just" Death Eaters. He would just have to kill them all when he either just saw one or the other of the groups or he was allowed on official missions for the Order again.

Sirius walked aimlessly around the muggle streets of London. He was in a particular bad mood that day. Maybe it was the dying leaves or maybe it was the nightmare he had had that night. Remus, for once, wasn't a child in his dream, but looked like he had the last time Sirius saw him. Except he was alive in the dream. Sirius had looked perplexed at his friend and wanted to ask why he was bleeding, when Remus looked at him with the same betrayed look he had after the Willow Incident that almost killed Snape once and Remus twice. Once from the injuries and once from barely escaping the Ministry's clutches. Sirius had then looked down at himself and saw he was covered in blood and was holding a bloody knife. Remus had looked at him with more loathing than Sirius had ever seen anyone look at anyone before and threw his head back to let a red sea of blood rain down his body when he failed to take the knife out of Sirius' hand and stab him. Sirius hadn't died in the dream but he woke up with a start that morning and had tried to fall asleep again after his tears had dried and heartbeat slowed down, but had to throw in the towel at around 6 o'clock.

The October wind caressed his hair and he almost wanted to lean into it. It felt motherly and Sirius could imagine it was Mrs. Potter caressing him from the afterlife. Most of the Order was on a mission, or so Sirius was almost sure of. He could never really be sure of it since he wasn't a part of any missions and although the amount of leaked information fell drastically after Peter's departure, the suspicions was still heavy in the air.

Children ran around joyfully. It was a Saturday but Sirius was still surprised by the amount of children and laughter around him. He didn't realise why there was so many children before he saw a little girl dressed as a Greek followed closely by a boy in a mask that made him look like a house elf. Sirius felt melancholy as he remembered Remus pointing at a poster in mid May the year before and said the creature was called Yoda and was from a movie called Star Fight, or something like that. Remus had been so excited at the time and Sirius was dismayed that he didn't know if the was remembering it right but it hadn't seemed important at the time, and he guessed he was suspicious of Remus even then.

Maybe he should buy some candy for Harry and visit Potters' Cottage? He hoped they would like that. Sirius looked in his wallet. There was about 8 pounds and he thought that was enough to buy candy. A Gallon was 5 pounds, right? Or was a pound 5 Sickles? How expensive was muggle candy?

Sirius sighed. He really needed Lily or Remus. Probably Remus. He never made Sirius feel stupid for having to ask about the currency literally every time they were buying muggle things.

But Remus couldn't help him anymore and Sirius couldn't ask anyone else, so he gave up and went to Sugarplum's Sweets Shop in Diagon Ally. Sirius just stood there for a moment and sucked in the nostalgia. There was a clearance sale or reduced holyday price on Chocolate Frogs. Sirius turned around to tell the other Marauders, mainly Remus, that they were only 6 Sickles each instead of 10 when he realised the others wasn't with him and Remus would never eat another Chocolate Frog, reduced price or not.

Sirius collected himself and took a bit of everything, excluding the Chocolate Frogs, and went to the cash register when he saw James' stag Patronus fly towards him. Sirius close to threw all the candy in his arms on the counter as the stag started talking with James' voice.

Most of the fear he felt left Sirius as he finally understood the message. No one was dead, but it was serious enough that Lily and James had left their house with Harry to go to St Mungo's and Sirius couldn't waste a single minute to pay before disapparating from the shop and leaving an angry owner behind who would have to put all the candy back to their rightful places.

Sirius had apparated directly in the reception area. He ran as soon as he had landed, not an easy feat but possible thanks to Moody, and arrived panting in front of the Welcome Witch, who looked old enough to be Dumbledore's mother, maybe even a young grandmother. She looked up at him with disinterested, green eyes.

"Visiting or admitting?" She asked with a nasal.

"Visiting," Sirius said with a breathless voice. "Harry Potter."

She looked down at a couple of papers maddeningly slowly before exclaiming, "Yes, the little Potter. Room 5 on the fourth floor."

One part of Sirius wanted to leave right away but another part was worried about what he would see.

"Is it bad?"

She looked at him with dead fish eyes but answered with a quality in her voice that almost counted as caring, "No, just a case of accidental magic. He should be able to leave soon."

Sirius sighed embarrassingly loudly in relief but didn't care, and ran up the stairs as quickly as he could. He managed to sprint up two floors but his legs refused to move faster than a slow jog after that. He probably would have moved faster if he let himself walk up the stairs instead of his failed attempt to waste a single second.

He finally reached the fourth floor and let himself deeply inhale and exhale once before walking as fast as he could down the hall. It was a very ugly hall. The walls were an okay creamy colour but they made him nauseous when combined with the light green colour of the floor.

Sirius reached the fifth door before long and opened the door after a quick glance at the number next to the door. He looked around the room for a moment. The room was built to room several patients but it was smaller than the other wards Sirius had been in. Sirius could almost smack himself when he finally realised that it was because he hadn't visited a child in a hospital before. It made sense they got smaller rooms being children and therefore not roomed with too many people.

"Prongs? Lily? Are you in here?" Sirius asked in a barely hushed voice.

A messy haired head appeared from behind one of the blue curtains that was around every bed and a big smile grew on the face as soon as it saw Sirius.

"Padfoot!" It yelled loudly and without regard to the children in the ward. Maybe he knew all of them were awake or maybe he simply didn't care. Sirius sure didn't care about either possibility and moved his tired legs as quickly as they could towards the curtains.

Harry sat in the limegreen bed and smiled up at Sirius with Lily sitting about an inch away from Harry's feet.

"What did you get into this time, you little buck?"

"Red," Harry explained as well as could to expected by a one-year-old. Sirius pondered if it was unfair of him to ask a child who barely could pronounce a small part of the words needed, but Harry seemed happy to have explained the situation, so Sirius guessed it was fine.

"He was having a tantrum because he couldn't get any more C-A-N-D-Y when he accidently hit our bookcase with a beam of magic," Lily explained more thoroughly than her son did. She opened her mouth to, probably, explain further when she was interrupted by her husband.

"Yeah, Harry's just 1 and already a very powerful wizard!" Exaggeration or not, James was clearly very proud of Harry showing signs of magic and Harry beamed at the praise from his father.

Lily huffed, "Yeah, but the bookcase then fell on him and broke three of his ribs and gave him a concussion. He then proceeded to stand up after we had removed the bookcase and dug himself out of the pile of books and punctured his own lung." Harry deflated at her tone, clearly not understanding that her sharp tone was caused by worry, not anger. James noticed his son's distress and walked over to him and kissed him on the forehead. It helped a bit but Harry still looked anxiously at his mother.

"James and I of course didn't know that and James panicked because he thought Harry was dying while I tried to heal our son."

Sirius turned his head in an oddly dog-like manner and visually showed his confusion. "And you then brought him here? Why?"

Lily looked at him even more murderously than she had when he and James had dropped Snape in the middle of the Black Lake in their third year at Hogwarts. "We know it is dangerous for Harry to be outside the house, but he wasn't breathing properly and he looked as if he was far away. So yes, we took our son to the hospital. Sorry, if that doesn't suit you!"

"Lily, you know I didn't mean it like that," Sirius said hurriedly in the fear that she would hex him so badly he would be glad he was in the hospital already. Sirius wasn't much for stereotypes, except when talking about Slytherins, but Lily had ruined his chances of ever viewing redheads as anything other than very temperamental.

Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I know. I'm just stressed after the day we had." Lily opened her eyes and looked at her son while she patted his tiny feet. Harry giggled a bit and Lily smiled big back at him.

Sirius felt the mixed feeling of both euphoria and envy at seeing the little family smiling and laughing together. It was the same envy that showed its ugly head from time to time. Sirius was more than happy that James had found happiness, even if it was a discoloured by the war, but despite never seeing himself as a father or even just something close to the new and older James, he couldn't help feeling a tiny bit envious. Especially of James whose biggest troubles growing up had been having a werewolf friend and chasing the girl who became the mother of his child. He had never wished for anything less for his friend but the bitter pill of the unfairness in the World had and always would be hard to swallow.

Sirius sat with them for an hour before a healer came and checked on Harry. Harry was fine but the healer insisted Harry to stay overnight because of his concussion. Lily, James, and Sirius was having none of that and Lily and James followed the healer out the room to plead their case. Sirius wanted to go with them too but Lily, harsher than usual given the circumstances, informed him that he had no legal right over Harry and hopefully never would have any. It would have sounded even harsher from anyone else, but Sirius would agree even if it was said harshly since him having legal guardianship over Harry would mean that his only close friends left had died. However, that didn't diminish the feelings he got at being reminded how little say he had over Harry.

Lily was right, Sirius knew that, but James still had to lay a calming hand on him before he said anything he would regret. James also made a good case that someone would have to stay with Harry. The healer looked strangely at the three of them when Sirius agreed but Sirius wasn't bothered by the healer's ignorance. How should could anyone else know that Harry was the most precious child in the World? Voldemort obviously knew Harry was amazing but for the wrong reasons and that was the reason there had to be someone with him. Sirius hoped Voldemort thought Neville was more important than Harry. It stirred a lot of guilt deep in his stomach because Neville had officially been declared the second cutest baby in the World by Sirius the third and last time he had seen him and Sirius loved Neville's parents but he loved Harry, Lily, and James a thousand times more.

Harry giggled happily, as Sirius made harmless sparks fly out of his wand. His eyes sparked with mirth, his hair being messier than Lily normally let it be gave him a more mischievous look than usual, and his mouth opened and showed all eight of his teeth with two more molar teeth growing that Sirius caught a single glance of when his head was turned in the right angle.

The door opened when Sirius had entertained Harry with sparks for 10 minutes but Sirius paid it no mind. It was probably a parent to one of the children in the ward or a healer checking in on the children, they had already done that once since Lily and James left, and Sirius didn't feel like scaring another healer and Harry with his panic.

The curtains around the bed next to them was pulled back. Sirius thought nothing of it until the curtain around Harry's bed was pulled back too and Sirius turned his head to see whom it was. He expected a healer, Lily and James, or both of those things. Instead, he met with a sight he should have been more prepared for. A tall, waxy-looking man stood and smiled wickedly and Sirius instantly knew who it was despite never having seen the man before. The man had the characteristics of a handsome face but it looked strangely reptilian. His dark eyes could have looked good with his dark hair, but the whites of his eyes was completely bloodshot and therefore destroyed that. He held his wand up after having magically pulled the curtains away. Sirius should have been prepared but who would ever be prepared to meet the Dark Lord himself? To meet Voldemort?

Sirius would die. He was sure of it. His only hope was that he could hold Voldemort off until someone else would come and that Voldemort wouldn't harm any of the children in the room. A healer would be very appreciated at that moment. Sirius wished he could take Harry and apparate away, but there had been an Anti-Apparition Charm and Anti-Disapparition Jinx all over St Mungo's since it was founded with only the exception of the reception area.

Lily, James, and Sirius should just have taken Harry and left instead of reasoning with that damn healer. Maybe the healer had told Voldemort that Harry was at St Mungo's? A Death Eater healer was almost laughable and Sirius hoped he would live long enough to laugh at it.

"Harry Potter," Voldemort whispered almost as he couldn't believe it really was him.

'Oh Merlin, even his voice is creepy and menacing,' Sirius thought but didn't let the dread show.

"You stay away from him!" Sirius commanded. Voldemort laughed. It was a mocking but somehow genuine laughter. Sirius was so terrified that some of the fear painted his face and Voldemort laughed louder at the sight. Not harder, louder, like a radio that were turned up. He was human-like but he wasn't one anymore. Far from it.

Voldemort didn't close his eyes or look away as he laughed but Sirius still wondered how he could be relaxed enough to laugh in the first place. Sirius didn't dare to take his eyes off his opponent either, didn't even dare to blink, but he looked for Death Eaters in the corner of his eyes and found none. He didn't know if that was reassuring or worrying, but the feeling of his stomach knotting up didn't change one bit.

Voldemort lifted his wand and pointed it at his opponent at the same time Sirius did. The streams of pure white magic collided in the middle. Sirius wasn't sure what spell Voldemort was using, hell, he wasn't even sure what spell he was using. It was probably just pure magic but Sirius' mind was racing too much to find a single spell that could be useful in that situation.

" _Avada Kedavra_." The spell had fallen naturally from Voldemort's dry lips and Sirius knew that the stakes had just gotten higher. Voldemort would probably be shoved if Sirius' spell hit him but Sirius would die if the opposite happened, and it looked like a more and more likely outcome as the newly green stream slowly passed the middle point and started to inch closer and closer to Sirius. Voldemort too moved closer to Sirius. Harry cried loudly behind Sirius. As heart breaking a sound it was, it was the only thing that gave Sirius the strength to hope that this would end in a favourable way.

Voldemort moved closer to Sirius. He didn't need to do it for his spell to move, it actually moved slower with his attention divided between spellcasting and walking. It was only to mock. Sirius' brain turned off more the closer he was to the pale face and it turned completely off when he was under a meter away from him. Sirius could only see black and the split second of darkness was enough for him to fear that he had died. He came to after that brief moment and saw his leg kick Voldemort's hand. The green stream turned direction and Sirius feared it would hit someone but it only blackened the wall behind Harry right where the wall met the ceiling. Sirius's spell was free to hit its target and made Voldemort fly to the wall behind him. Sirius hoped that he was dead but wasn't that lucky and Voldemort was on his feet the moment Sirius was in front of him.

Spells flew around. Hitting the chandelier, the walls, a bed that was luckily unoccupied, and more. All in Harry's sight and made the child scream loudly. Sirius hadn't had enough time or mind to close the curtain around the bed but Sirius wished he had.

The other children started to scream through their tears when the chandelier took another hit and almost fell on Sirius. The spell had looked accidental but Sirius had been almost crushed so it couldn't have been completely.

Voldemort was good at duelling but Sirius hoped that his youth was enough to match him in strength. Not that Voldemort was that old, probably in his fifties, but Sirius reminded himself that he too was good at duelling and had been since he was a child.

Time seemed to have both sped up and slowed down. Sirius realised at some point in the fight that Voldemort was winning. He also knew that Harry would face the killing curse as soon as Sirius wasn't there to protect him. Voldemort's wandhand lifted to both his own and Sirius' eyelevel and zigzagged down as the haunting voice spoke again.

"Avada Ka-"

The door flew open with a loud bang but neither Voldemort nor Sirius turned their eyes away from each other.

"-da-," Voldemort was cut off by the person in the doorway.

"Reducto!" She shouted and as she pointed her wand at Voldemort's chest.

He gasped once the blue light hit him and turned his head to look at his killer before he, to both her and Sirius' surprise, lit up and disappeared in a non-existent wind.

"He's dead?" Sirius asked, feeling oddly young. "He's actually dead?"

"I think so."

Sirius turned his head to his saviour. "How is that even possible? What did you do?"

Lily shook her head as she answered, "I don't know. I didn't think." She sounded as young and confused as Sirius felt.

Harry shouted a sobbing and barely understandable "Mama" and interrupted Sirius' rather pathetic attempt to question Lily. Lily jumped at the sound of her distressed child and ran to his bed. The other children were crying too but Lily only had eyes for Harry and didn't even seem to register that there were others in the room.

"Harry, are you okay?"

Harry didn't answer but only cried harder when Lily pulled him to her chest and let one of her hands run over his body to in a mixture between comforting and checking him for injuries.

"I'm so glad you're safe, baby. You have been so strong, so strong, and dada and I are so proud of you."

Lily laid her head on his and now only let her hand run up and down his back to comfort him, but Harry didn't seem to be able to stop crying.

"Don't cry, Harry. You're safe now and we won't let anything happen to you." Lily stifled a sob before continuing more tearfully, "Mama loves you. Dada loves you."

Sirius felt like he could use a mother himself. Not his own obviously. He would probably be so scared that he would cry harder than Harry was doing at that moment if Walburga hugged him and told him she loved him. However, the anxiety still hadn't left his body and hiding his face in a woman's chest wouldn't seem the least bit sexual for him at that moment. The adrenaline finally left his body and he fell to the floor as if someone deflated him.

Healers ran into the room. They had probably heard the cries from the children through the still open door. The healers stopped as soon as they saw the state of the room and Sirius was too shell-shocked himself to wonder how much help they would be if there still were an urgent problem. If crying children of course didn't count as an urgent problem, because if it did, they had already proven they wouldn't be any help at all.

James sauntered into the room a minute or two after the children had finally stopped crying without any help from the healers. James was talking so fast that Sirius barely understood him through the thick veil that had surrounded him since he fell to the ground.

"I finally convinced him to let Harry go in about an hour. You should all be proud and…" He looked around the room with big eyes. "What the hell happened here?"

No one answered him. Sirius couldn't get his mouth to move and Lily was too preoccupied convincing herself that Har

Harry hadn't gotten hurt in the short time he and Sirius had faced Voldemort.

"Lily?" James finally asked again, when several minutes had passed in silence and Sirius proved to be of no help.

"We're leaving."

"I know, the healer said…"

"No, we're leaving _now_. With or without you."

"Of course, Lily, I will go with you."

Lily turned her green eyes to Sirius. Sirius had never noticed how green they were before. Just as green as the spell that had almost hit both Sirius and after that Harry. The same one that Voldemort had almost cast before Lily ran into the room.

"Sirius, I need you to tell Dumbledore what happened."

"I-I…"

"What kind of man are you?" Lily asked so harshly Harry almost woke up from his exhausted slumber in her arms. Lily's gentle arms contrasted her death glare.

"Are you a man or a mouse, Sirius?" A mouse...? Sirius was no mouse or a rat for that matter. A cowardly creature that couldn't even stand up for what was right, that wasn't Sirius.

"What are you taking me for, Lily? Of course, I will inform old Dumby."

Sirius' attempt to sound normal was feeble at best, but Lily nodded approvingly in Sirius' direction before she stood up with Harry in her arms and left the room. James looked confused at her and Sirius but quickly got a move on when he realised she wouldn't wait a single second for him.

Sirius looked pointedly at the robe Voldemort had left behind as the healers evacuated the children. It wasn't before Dumbledore arrived several minutes later that Sirius realised he was probably the one who was supposed to contact him, but Lily must have taken the task upon herself.

Sirius stood up and removed some of the dirt from his clothes in an attempt to get some of his dignity back. Several of the Order members came in after Dumbledore. Luckily, they didn't openly stare at Sirius' uncharacteristically undignified state. They at least pretended that all their attention was on investigating the room. Sirius knew they looked at him in the corner of their eyes, but he could pretend that it was only Dumbledore looking at him.

Dumbledore looked around the room but he didn't look like he was simply looking at the blackened walls and destroyed furniture.

"Did he flee?"

"Didn't Lily inform you about the situation?"

"We were only informed that He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named was here. She had other things on her mind."

"Oh, okay, makes sense." Sirius hesitated a second to find the right word. "He died, I think."

"Died?"

"Yes, Lily came in when he was about to hit me with…" Sirius couldn't finish his sentence properly with the shock taking a hold of him again but they both knew what he was about to say. "And then he just vanished. Not apparated or anything and he left his robe." Both Sirius and Dumbledore looked at the robe lying innocently on the floor.

Dumbledore turned his head in Sirius' direction once more and Sirius turned his gaze to the headmaster again when he spoke, "Lily used the killing curse?"

"What?" Sirius asked confused why Dumbledore would even need to ask that. "No, she didn't. She used The Reductor Curse."

"I see. That curse isn't commonly used on people, but nonetheless a good spell to use. It's all in the intention of the caster." Sirius could have lived without the lesson on curses, and he already knew that piece of information, but he kept quiet as even he could see that this wasn't the time or place to tell his old headmaster off for lecturing.

"So he's dead."

"Yes," Dumbledore said. Sirius was so joyful he almost didn't hear it when Dumbledore continued, "But…"

"But what?"

"I fear he isn't gone permanently."

"What do you mean?"

"There's a lot of dark magic out there and he was a very smart young man when I taught him. I'm sure his knowledge along with his followers has only increased throughout the years."

Sirius looked dejected at a spot on the wall opposite him. "What do we do now then?"

"Wait."

"Wait!?" Sirius turned his eyes back to Dumbledore's face. "And just hope he doesn't surprise us one day and kills one of us? Kills the whole Order or _Harry_?" Forget that Dumbledore probably didn't see Harry's probable death as something worse than the death of the Order, Sirius was sure his message came through.

"He will rise sooner or later, Sirius," Dumbledore said patiently but with a hint of annoyance. "We can only do our best to make sure that day is later and be ready when that day comes."

Dumbledore looked ready for Sirius to say something but he kept quiet. Sirius just nodded to show he was listening, when he realised Dumbledore was waiting

"He can't rise without his followers, so we will keep arresting Death Eaters as Aurors and as the Order of the Phoenix."

"Okay," Sirius said uncharacteristically meekly. "But what will happen to Harry?"

"Hopefully nothing. He and his parents will have to hide until there's no more Death Eaters and even then we will have to keep an eye on him."

"That sounds fair. So, he will have a more normal childhood with friends and playing until he can go to Hogwarts?" Sirius asked in a hopeful voice as he smiled brightly at Dumbledore in contrast to the rest of his tired face. A good, safe childhood was all he wanted for Harry.

"Yes, he will be as ordinary as can be to the public but I doubt the Death Eaters will forget the prophecy"

The little energy Sirius had left seemed to suddenly leave him at Dumbledore's last words.

"But no need to worry."

'No need to worry?', Sirius thought secretly very venomously. Like Sirius could ever not worry about his friends and godson being on anyone's hitlist.

"I want you to go home and rest, Sirius," Dumbledore said and put a hand on each of his shoulders before continuing, "But first, I want you to tell me about the whole situation. From the moment He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named walked in and to his… Destruction for lack of a better word.

Sirius nodded, shook out of Dumbledore's firm hold, and walked over to the bed Harry had been laying on not so long ago. Dumbledore kept standing but followed Sirius closely with his blue eyes. They didn't wander for a single second as Sirius explained everything. Both the unimportant details and backtracking several times to finally get the important ones in. 


	5. Epilogue

Rita Skeeter, a girl from Bellatrix's year, somehow found out about the battle in St Mungo's and wrote an article about it in Daily Prophet. It was exaggerated greatly but everyone seemed to eat it raw. Harry wasn't mentioned even once, but Rita had both used Lily's full, and maiden, name, and had somehow gotten a picture of Lily. Granted, it was a picture of her barely out of Hogwarts but everyone could easily recognise her. It made everyone in the Order nervous for both Lily's and Harry's safety but Dumbledore told them that the public wouldn't necessarily figure out Harry was her child and the Death Eaters would already know everything they wanted regardless of various articles.

Death Eaters was captured to left and right after the fall of their dark lord, and the ones who wasn't captured was either killed or went into hiding. It helped everyone in the Order's nerves.

Sirius kept looking for Peter, but he wasn't found. Sirius had even broken into his apartment twice, but the only difference was that all Peter's clothes had disappeared and more dust had laid itself on all the furniture sometime between the first and second break-in.

Sirius and James was almost sure he was dead when the first snow fell, Lily didn't want to say what she thought, but Sirius kept looking until he was absolutely sure the cold would have killed any rat and the Order would have seen him lurking around in human form. The Potters and the Longbottoms were each told on the 3th of December that they could once again go outside their respective houses. The Longbottoms were tortured in their own house on the 4th of December.

The Potters were then hid away again. There was barely any Christmas and there was no New Year party at all that year. Not that any of them were in the mood to celebrate. They used the same spell to silence the room a whole week before New Years for Harry's sake as they had the year before but the quiet celebration seemed far away and was replaced by the melancholic atmosphere of three adults that promised themselves that this was the year that no one was going to die, and they were right. No one they knew died 1982 but Lyall Lupin had been dead for a day as they made that promise and he would lay in his basement for 12 more days before anyone found his body. Suicide. Sirius had been right. Lyall had survived for around half a year without his immediate family but in the end obviously couldn't take it anymore and killed himself. James, Lily, and Sirius didn't know that yet and was already so busy mourning Remus and the person they thought Peter was, that they didn't even mourn Marlene anymore even though she died after Remus, and Lily and James hadn't had any closure with her death.

Lily and James refused to leave their house, even after they got the green light on the 9th of January. It took reassurance and re-reassurance from Dumbledore himself on the 10th for them to set a foot outside the protection of their house, but they, as well as Sirius, visited Remus' grave after only a few seconds of breathing the fresh air for the first time in forever.

Harry didn't understand anything. Lily briefly told him that 'Uncle Moony is sleeping in the ground', but it only confused the toddler. Lily put a tender hand on the gravestone and let the other one touch each letter and number on it. Her lips moved but Sirius couldn't hear any words.

James didn't seem able to move. Sirius first thought that he was looking at Lily but quickly found out it was glued to where Remus was buried. The sight Lily silently mourning quickly became too much for him and he decided they needed a moment alone, and he looked around the gravesite after Harry. It was the coldest day of the year in London that day and they all felt it to the core. Sirius at last saw Harry who walked over to Lily and pulled on her jacket while asking why she was sad. Lily simply took her hand away from the letters of Remus' name and pulled him towards her.

The movement revived James and he walked the last two steps towards the grave and fell to his hands and knees. A strange sound came out of his throat and made him sound like he was being strangled. He took a hold of the snow on the grave and let his head fall between them. He wasn't wearing gloves and the contrast between the white snow and James' red palms reminded Sirius of Remus' dead body in the hospital bed at Hogwarts. Sirius looked away from the three Potters as he took a couple of deep breaths.

"Come Harry, your mum and dad needs a couple of minutes alone."

Harry let go of Lily's jacket and ran to Sirius. Lily looked tearfully and gratefully at Sirius and Sirius refused to look at James. He would rather watch Lily cry 10 times than watch James cry even once. Especially now that Lily had lost a dear friend but James had lost a brother. He had been a huge part of his childhood and a main reason that he was who he was. Just like Sirius had. Sirius took Harry's hand and walked out of the graveyard with him. James and Lily would meet them outside it when they had mourned and James had stopped crying.

Sirius didn't see himself as poetic but couldn't stop thinking about how the Potters state of mourning symbolised how they all would live from now on. Harry would forget Remus, Lily would forget how big a part of her life Remus once was, but James and Sirius would never forget him

**Author's Note:**

> If you find any mistakes in any of the chapters, you're more than welcome to inform me. I like to learn so it would not only make this story better but also future works.


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